* Aria's diary ~
This year the bad weather is still not getting better. It’s so hot that I could feel my head crack if I step out under the sun. It’s not that I hate this season, I’m just losing interest. Right now everything feels so empty. Everyday gazing outside my window as the train passes by. The noise that I never used to like is starting to calm my heart. It makes me wonder what kind of people are inside the train. What kind of life are they having? Where are they heading? And then I’ll start questioning myself, what am I doing?
At this point, I couldn’t fly. My wings are ripped of me. Even though I told myself everyday that I’m alright, that I’ll be alright, that even without my wings I’ll still be able to fly. But in the end, I’m just lying to myself. Telling myself that I’m right now trying very hard when I’m actually aware that I might not make it. What a clown am I? Just want to feel good. Just want to be complimented by people around me saying stuff as you are strong. Acting very hard to smile happily everyday. What am I doing? I’m just like an idiot.
Right now, I’m totally lost. Couldn’t tell what is real and what is unreal. Not sure whether to trust my vision or my heart. I’m lost. Couldn’t hear your voice at all. I’m numb. Couldn’t read your needs at all. I don’t know what to do as I don’t even know what I want. I’m trapped in the darkness. Waiting for those words which saved me once to come and rescue me once again. But this time maybe it won’t reach me. I’m really unsure. Should I keep waiting? What am I doing?
I was asked if I can turn back time, do I want to change something. The answer is yes. Definitely yes, but the new question hit my head. Then what do I want to change. How do I want to change it? Silence fills my head. A lot, I want to change a lot of things from my past. If I could have an eraser of life, I’d gladly erase the part that I don’t like. But sadly I don’t have that power. If I’m to go back, then I’d need to do it myself. And I know even if I go back in time, nothing will ever change. Everything will remain the same. I’ll only stand there stupidly and watch myself to repeat it over and over again.
I know I sound like an idiot, full of lame excuses. I know myself that well since I don’t have the courage to change anything. Is this our fate? Why two connected heart can never be side by side? Why should it be you? I know it’ll be much easier if it isn’t you. You don’t have to tell me, because I have realized it a long time ago. Everyone keeps saying that it’s not going to work out, give it up. But why are we so stubborn? Why never we listen to those people around us? Why do we have to treasure each other so much that it hurts? Why it has to be this way?
Hey, do you still remember how we met? I feel like looking straight into my dreams. You gave me the 1st present on my birthday and you asked me to be careful because something inside the wrapped box was alive. You scared the hell out of me, and when I opened the box stood there was the very annoying yet cute yellowish duck stuff animal. And it was the 1st one before you started to add up one by one to fill my room until I couldn’t find a place to place them. I thought it was really sweet. Do you remember when we went to Night Safari just to have a look at the white tiger, but unfortunately she was sleeping. I couldn’t forget your disappointed face back then. It was really cute and I couldn’t stop laughing. And when we watched the fountain performance and the rain started to fall. The images of the fountain dancing, the light, the sound, the rain and you, it felt like as if eternity does exist.
While gazing into the stars as the fireworks started to fill the night sky, you asked once. How long will you be by my side? And I gave you the answer straight away that I want to be with you for far longer than forever. And when I asked you the same question, you said that you want to spend the rest of your days with me until the day you stop breathing. I couldn’t tell if we were too naïve or we were too confident in ourselves. Promising about something we couldn’t even see. But even if eternity does not exist, that moment I really did believe that eternity exists. Every word, every single time, every memory, every laugh, every tear, it felt like eternity. And I told myself even ten thousand years from now; I can keep on loving you.
Was it sounds like a nice fairy tale? Yes, it definitely did. But reality is slapping me hard. I need to wake up from my sweet dream and to look around me. The reality I was trying to ignore is starting to haunt me. Here I am in my sweet little cage watching every move you make from afar without any power to rescue you. Watch you getting hurt without being able to do anything is hurting me. There’s nothing I can do for I’m without the courage to destroy the wall. How long will this continue? How long will you endure? How long more should I hurt you? Then I started to think, if it isn’t me will you be happier? If I never meet you before how will my life be? Is this really our path or there is actually another path planned for us? Are we crossing our own path? Are we passing our own destiny?
I don’t like the idea of you being hurt. And the best way to save you might be to release you. That’s the last thing I’d do, but right now I’m left with not much choices. Maybe after 6 years of stubbornness I should learn to give up and do what I’m told to do. Maybe I should just try to let you wilted even though I know I wouldn’t be able to chase your shadow away. I’m sorry for being a coward who couldn’t stand up for you. I just don’t want to hurt anybody. I couldn’t bring myself to do such a thing. Therefore, I’m really sorry. I’ll lock your treasure inside my heart so that even the season change, it will stay the same. Maybe eternity does exist in its own way.
