login
Alirio Cervantes I am without internet... as you guys may have guessed.
blog post Christmas Time!!!
Posted in Essay on Nov 28, 2007 at 6:40 AM

Christmas... what a popular event, indeed.
Worldwide renowned for the annual genocide of turkeys, and the waste of electricity on crappy lighting. While it is meant to be for sharing and having a good time, people end up screwing up for not living up to the person's expectations. Speaking on correlation terms, the family-happiness part is replaced often by your average American drunkard festival.

Christmas is also called X-mas by the X-men who celebrate the day as "International X-Men Day", as it is a common belief among X-men that Jesus was in fact a superhero. The Bible confirms this, listing such superpowers as healing, foretelling the future, and the ability to shoot drums from his eyes.

Western society ritualistically celebrates this holiday by hosting large family gatherings. The average number actually varies over the years, but no matter what the actual value is, beaner families usually beat the records by triple the number.
These gatherings are generally accompanied by gaudy Christmas tree figurines and baubles, and the exchange of gifts, bought by extended family for relatives they don't even like in order to satisfy a media concept that we as a society live for. Gifts may also include Christmas cards, which is often a way of telling that the giver doesn't really give a damn about the person.
Traditionally, Christmas is also joined by excessive placement of lights, by those who think they are bringing joy and excitement to the world; instead of burning up valuable non-renewable fossil fuels and pushing the world further toward a runaway greenhouse effect.

Every year people whom celebrate Christmas cut down and place pine trees in their homes. Once home, the trees are decorated with all types of gaudy decorations making the trees feel like cheap whores. The trees are kept in a filthy bucket of water to keep them alive so people can admire them for weeks as they slowly die and go bald. On the 24th of December boxes are placed under the carcass of the plant and the next day brats open the boxes which have contained PlayStation games and other shit. Eventually, the trees are tossed on to the street to their final destination, a garbage dump. Some would argue that this is cruel and horrible existence, however those people are hippies and should be ignored.



blog post Childhood Moron
Posted in Essay on Nov 28, 2007 at 6:34 AM

Sunday morning of October, 1998; Sonsonate, El Salvador… I was on my way to one of the many terrains my grandparents owned. It was described as a cool, relaxing place. But there was more to it than that.

My grandpa had hired a pick-up truck for our family and a few friends of mine to go to the terrains. One could fit 12,563 people on the back of the truck, but there were only 7 of us there, so it was ok… as the ride kept on going, I started to notice the change of ambiance. We were getting out of the city and into a mix of forest/jungle with cultivated grasslands. Most of the trees were full of vigor, with their roots purging the highway pavement. There were mostly corn plantations on the left side; it looked like a sharp, greenish sea. On the other side, there was nothing but monstrous hills that chiseled in the landscape.
We kept on going into the depths of this environment. I saw the end of the highway followed by a "dirt bridge" crossing atop a huge river. One could hear the birds chirp and the waters ravaging the mossy rocks. As soon as we crossed the bridge, it started to rain. It was not a big deal at first…

A friend of mine wanted to taste the rain, so he stuck his tongue out. "It's good" he said, followed by an "ARGH!!! THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!" It started to hail, and, apparently, the beginning shard of ice landed on his tongue. We couldn't really care less. We began to laugh like hyenas… until the hail struck all of us. My grandpa eventually said that "that is God's way of telling us to shut up."
Finally, we arrived at the terrain… it was hill-up. Once we climbed the hill to the top, I began to contemplate the ambiance around me.

There were five modest houses to the East. They were all simple; they were all just four walls made of adobe and a piece of old roof above each. Inside there were tables, beds, and kitchens. Surrounding them all was a small wire fence, which covered almost all the East side of the terrain. Between the fence and the houses were a bunch of animals: Chickens, roosters, pigs, a greyhound, and an iguana. On the West side were a few cultivated patches. My grandpa said that the workers there rotate the crops every couple of months; the current plantation there back then was corn. I recall entering the cultivated area and pretend to be a spy. I used to walk up behind people, scare them, and run for my life, hiding between the corn plants.

My favorite part of the terrain was the Northern edge; it was the end of the hill (A very steep hill, by the way). A few ladders down the edge, there was a bunch of trees. They were tall as hell and their leaves scattered a variety of colors around. There were almost no animals, except for a few insects such as mosquitoes and ants. The trees were so close to each other, than one could hop from the top to the next one; one was bound to land safely on (at least) a stable branch. I climbed one of those trees and reached the highest branch. Then I looked beyond the terrain.

The vista was the coolest thing I've ever seen. The hill apparently continued beyond the tree section, but I never dared to go that deep due to my grandparents forbidding it. Regardless, it could be seen just how vast the area was from above that tree. It was the greenest canopy I've ever seen. Some other trees were even taller and their branches disrupted an almost perfectly even canopy. They were scattered around and, unusually, some of them formed a weird, Zelda-like shrine structure. Really, it looked like a door with some steps and a herald behind it. Even beyond that, there was another hill; another terrain. It was like a freaking green ocean, with a bunch of bushes I've never seen before. They were in segments that resembled sea waves.

That place was radical. I enjoyed every detail of it; specially the fruit… There was a mango tree breaking the "even" corn plantation. I used to climb it and take down mangoes for everyone.


The day we left was a sad one. I wanted to cause some havoc. A few weeks later, my grandpa told me we were going to return and stay for a week. So I got hyped again, and right before leaving, I took my eskrima sword with me to the terrain.

That night, I escaped my assigned room and grabbed my sword. I climbed to the trees and unsheathed my damn blade, and began to jump around, slashing branches off and balancing myself on top of the blade, from treetop to treetop. I felt like a maniac after committing the vengeance of his dreams.

I was dressed in black, making it more fitting for this scenario. I just randomly yelled that I was freaking El Zorro. I recalled a few lines from the cartoon and the old movie, and just began to slash and jump around again. I eventually noticed a few nocturnal animals staring at my adventure. I did not get bothered whatsoever and kept on jumping around. In the end, I climbed down the trees and laid down on the ground, staring at the even-more-fitting full moon.



blog post Valentine's day
Posted in Essay on Feb 17, 2007 at 1:28 AM
Ahh, Valentine's day... The holiday meant to be spent on that special someone... The event on which people go around buying silly things made out of papermache, pieces of chocolate wrapped in shiny paper, and a bunch of clear stones that, no matter what color or shape it has, recieve the name of diamond anyway. This holiday receives many names; a few of which are listed here...

Firstly, it is called "Nightmare Day" by losers worldwide, for the obvious reason of not having a date. They see the persona of their dreams walking around and cuddling with the popular bastard from school. The situation becomes desperate, as losers try to conquer any random individual in order to provoke jealousy on the aforementioned persona. But, in reality, it doesn't work. Losers end up either: with milk on their pants, with an ugly mark after hitting an open locker door, or dizzy after having sex with someone as desperate as they were.

Secondly, it is known as "Hell on Earth" by married men everywhere. Women become devils during this time of the year, demanding for stupid stuff like flowers, chocolate boxes, a necklace, and, in some parts of Asia, a goat sacrifice. Men, at a frantic attempt at satisfying the women, began to take out money resources from every place possible in order to afford the stuff. In the end, the pleasing wasn't worth it, because the men can't even afford to be paid back, and the women keep on bitching...

Dating couples know this day as "Movie, Steak and Doggy-Style Night." It is self-explanatory.

Internet geeks and emo kids go outside and try to forget about the holiday; known as "Boredom day" by the many communities. Geeks are willing to leave their computers behind for this day only, while emos actually have the feeling of doing something outside. The night usually starts with the geeks whistling to themselves, and emos writing bad poetry. In the end, they both share the same ending: it can be either just another nightmare in their sleep, or a suicide altogheter.

Finally, single people take this day as a regular day and do not give it a title. It has been declared, however, that it should be called "Liquor Control Day," as most singles wake up nine hours later with some fat person on their beds with them. This is argued due to the extremely rare exceptions that take place, such as mine, on which I woke up the next morning with a hot brunette. Strangely, she moved out of the city afterwards, apparently, because "she won the lottery." Good for her, I guess...

It doesn't really matter what your views on Valentine's day are... As long as you don't regret your choice, you are fine. This, of course, doesn't apply to those who ended up killing themselves.


blog post Reduction to the Absurd
Posted in Essay on Feb 17, 2007 at 1:27 AM
I'm so bored... beyond human levels... your average human would certainly die if he/she had the same amounts of boredom that I have... I'm just going to type how I feel about math, to kill that boredom...


Math is the complex theory that if two bits are one way, the other bits will be another way, except for when there are three bits, or five bits, in which case they will be a completely different way... Yes, it is that lame a subject, and you only need to go as far as counting; adding and subtracting... dividing is good too, and so are fractions, data counts and multiplying... But that should be it for most of us; yet schools persist on us learning analysis and calculus to "solve real-life problems..." If I had any problem, like, let's say, my boat gets stuck at a certain angle and the river is moving at a certain speed... I will just push the damn boat until it can move again... You bastards who try to solve aforementioned ordeal using a calculator are just wimps who can't even push a box.

2 + 2 may equal 5 if we give one of the 2s a certain value... Suck my dick, bitch.


Ok... now, I will type random nonsense about math; yes, the kind of writing you would expect from me.


Math is evil, man... It should be noted that math has been criticized for being too difficult. Much of the controversy over math has been on Algebra and his cousins: Pre-Algebra, Algebra II and Linear Algebra (I feel to lazy to list the other 2,841 members of the family). Together, they have created a socialist cult dedicated to control over teacher's minds and rendering them of not doing any "real" work (such as lifting, carrying, and pushing stuff), and thus it is passed down as the best lifestyle choice for most glass-wearing, tissue-abusing teenagers.

The cult has been on the scandalous side several occasions; the one that appears the most on the news being Algebra (Who didn't see that one coming???). At the rise of his popularity, Algebra began to mock our society; firstly by proving that all piano players are gay, and then that all blonde girls are dumb; at least to some extent.
The famous equation, Shoe = Beer, drove millions of people insane and it became a chaos everywhere. This allowed Chaos Theory, one of the most recent branches of math, to take over some areas.

Many people; specially those in power of nations and wealth, did everything they could in order to eradicate math's existence. For instance, here in the U.S, George Bush is currently engaged in a bitter "War on Mathematics" as he struggles to figure out how to add 23 to 42. In other areas, specially Eastern Asia, new equations are born every day; this led to the banning and outlawing of many theorems and equations, such as the all-time controversial sine & cosine affairs, and the pythagorean theorem. However, the invention of a new device called Scientific Calculator allowed to improve them all and bring to life new ideals. This led to many revolutions; most notably in Central America, where the multiplication table is yet to be discovered... It is yet for someone to question why do they even bother.

All hell broke loose, finally, after math introduced Imaginary Numbers to their army. Shortly after the discovery of this class of numbers, rivals of them realized that ALL numbers actually are imaginary anyway. This caused many to go completely insane; becoming child molesters, drunks, junkies, and all kinds of menace to our beloved world.

And with these archived memories, everyone on Earth still hopes for one thing... will there ever be a hero that will save us from math???


Hehe, I wasn't expecting to find out that most of my classmates and acquaintances received a very special letter regarding their scholar attainments. To that event I reacted with the thought: "Why haven't I received such a letter???" I have to admit, I was discouraged at the first passing seconds, but hey, what gives??? I sort of screwed my record last year in science and math... I pushed myself way too hard out of bitterness... bitterness of knowing that my back-then new friends were quite good students and sharp learners..... why not me??? I could not see into their eyes.... HER eyes specially... I could not stand her bragging about going to some top-ranked university... UZ something or Harlot University.... Heheh, harlot; is not the right word; I need to check my Million Words Dictionary.

Regardless of the past, I decided to ask my consuelor about the letter; if we apply my 3 year record overall and all my ranks, I heavily surpass them all, so I MUST received that letter. When I entered the room, it was busy as usual with lots of people, and if one such person had to be missing, it HAD to be my consuelor... I reacted, whispering "Fuck it" to myself. I was about to relinquish myself out of the room, when I noticed SHE was there. As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't have a grudge on me, but the following words, with a vainglorious tone, came out of her beautifully carved lips: "You'll never accomplish everything in life"

.........

I felt thunderstruck.
So gorgeous, so vile. The bitterness just grew a little more, but.......
If people know me for at least something is how emotionless I become after hearing such atrocious comments. I might as well just take the words lightly and use them as a tool (like I've always done it with every single one of my so-called friends) to push myself harder, and become a notorious person. I shall purloin all the scholarships from those damned people who do not recognize me for my accomplishments, but my ugly features instead. You make me sick. You will minimize in status before me.

It's not over. This is just the tip of a giant, frigid iceberg. School has nothing with my dreams. If I had the status I endeave, everyone would be eating in the palm of my hands...


blog post The lucky sloth
Posted in Essay on Jan 27, 2007 at 10:37 PM
OF ALL THE PEOPLE.....



Have you ever thought how fucking lucky some of us human beings are?? What do we ever do??? The average person sits on his sofa eating bootleg doritos and watching soap opera. What would anyone expect from such a being??? A bright future??? A position in authority??? A place in the ultimate offices of the globe??? NOT!!!! That person is a mediocre pig, living like a parasite off his parents' money; that is, if parents do exist circa your just-created environment...

I am mentioning a special human being in particular. He has grown with many skin shapes enveloping his body. He lives of nothing but junk food. He makes less effort than his AP classmates... Yes, that's right: he's a teenager; an obscure one, let's say.....

Is it possible that he, the sloth, can, ironically, do better than the average AP student?? He never participated in anything, except for a temporary status in the school military program; yes, he was a slave for a while. He never won anything... He's never been recognized... He's a shadow figure... He is about to storm the school with the letter of acceptance he received from one of the highest prestigue sources... And he has the right to mock everyone of his classmates, who sweat, cry and bleed while trying to win a schoolarship.

Meanwhile, this bastard is taking a nap, rejoicing that he might get a bright future... a position in authority... A place in the ultimate offices of the globe...



Look at him... He's snoring. How cute...
You know, he might have a chance.


blog post The very veins of irony
Posted in Essay on Jan 27, 2007 at 10:35 PM
IRONY AT IT'S BEST.


This is the story of a person who was meant to be a hero. It all started when his father told him: "YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BE ANYTHING!!! NOT EVEN SHIT!!!!"
So, our hero got pissed off, punched his father in the crotch, moved away from home and started to live with a friend; the guy loved animals to the point of collecting pictures from encyclopedias, and soon drew our hero into this hobby. But... it soon became it's vice; it's passion; it's life...

Our hero then started to study ecology and animal habitats and all that nature crap. He graduated as the valedictorian from his high school and went to some private university and earned a degree in... in... something related to nature (Don't ask; yours truly isn't interested in the environment). His adventures lead him to explore the habitats of wild animals. But if there was one creature that made his body tingly, it was the tiger.

"Yes, the tiger. Such a magnificent feline creature with his sharp claws and jaws, and his fur..." This were our hero's thoughts. He made an odd decision: to move out of the city and make his home in India, so that he could be closer to the tigers. Once there in India, he made a living with the natives from the country and became sort of like a spiritual person. This, plus his knowledge from school, made him a wise man...

Our hero began to study the tigers up-close-and-personal-illy because it was the best method; so our hero said. It can be said without mistake that the tigers changed his life. He archieved something that few people could do: becoming one with Mother Nature and forgetting about Mother Culture. People admired him.
One day, our hero was giving a most charismatic speech to his recently acknowledged students out in the woods, when a tiger came and attacked him. According to one of the witnesses, the guy was ripped apart, then eaten.

This was the journey of a man that was meant to be a hero. And it all started when his father told him: "YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BE ANYTHING!!! NOT EVEN SHIT!!!!"
Well, guess what?? His son became shit... literally.
It could be said that the father would have been astonished if he had received news about his son... He was wrong all this time.



This is irony at its best...



RssFeed