I remember that first day like it was yesterday. It still sits so vividly in my mind. I can easily conjure up the smells of the roses in my mother’s new garden, the shouts and screams of Monday morning greetings. I even remember Mrs Cope’s dreadful puke green cardigan with the luminous pink embroidery.

However, my most vivid memory of that day is when I entered my first lesson at my new school. My hands were clammy, my breath was coming out in short gasps, and I began to feel queasy as the butterflies caused a riot in my stomach.

Then I saw you sitting there, third row back in the center of the room, and all my anxiety disappeared. You were furiously scribbling on a piece of paper, not even raising your head when I introduced myself to the class.

The next time I saw you was in the cafeteria. You made your way to a small table that was occupied by a single girl. She had been tearing her sandwich into pieces before you arrived – but once she caught sight of you she leap into your arms. Your responding smile was dazzling. I remember the butterflies attacking my stomach again. The pizza in front of me became unappetizing as I got up, and left the cafeteria. Not before seeing you capture her lips with your own.

I was really confused at the feelings coursing through my body. I hadn’t been in school for five hours and I was already falling for some guy I had never spoken to. I didn’t even know your name.

This fact really bothered me; I was desperate to put a name to the face that had been haunting me for the last few hours. I made my way to algebra trying to ignore the nagging feeling that had secured itself into the deepest corner of my mind.

I was doodling aimlessly across my notebook when you approached me. “It’s Char right?” were the first words you ever said to me. I remember feeling so euphoric that you knew my name. You made my day.

“I’m Ricky" and you said my quizzes are unbelievable. "So, I was wondering if you could tutor me.”

In that ten seconds of my life it almost took to respond a million different thoughts and emotions played their way through my mind. First and foremost, I couldn’t believe my luck. I was almost shaking in anticipation.

Secondly, I finally had a name: Ricky. It fit you perfectly. I felt stupid for not thinking of it earlier.

Once I had agreed to your offer you moved to the back of the room to join the girl from the cafeteria. She gave me a funny look. It wasn’t even a glare. She almost looked scared.

The first tutoring session came along quickly. I don’t think you realize how long I stood in front of my wardrobe debating what to wear. All I wanted to do was impress you; show you how much of an impression you had already made on me.

Your mother opened the door and told me that you weren’t in at the moment. I told her I was your tutor, and she welcomed me in with open arms. Your mother was so kind. She gave me a tour of your house, and then fed me until I was fit to burst.

While I helped her prepare a fresh batch of cookies, you came home. Leaning against the doorway you took in the scene before you with a smile on your face. To this day I’m almost definite that you thought that you had gone unnoticed - but how could I not notice you, you were all I think about.

We quickly moved onto the topic of our tutoring session. You were so much better than you gave yourself credit for. The first time I looked deep into your eyes I felt the world shift beneath my feet. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch your face; follow the smooth contours of your jaw, feel if your lips really were as soft as they looked.

You had a strange expression in your eye that day. I had many sleepless nights trying to figure out what your eyes were trying to reveal to me. I always got the feeling that it was meant to be extremely important.

I know you could feel the connection between us whenever you reached to take the pencil from my hand. You always pulled back quickly, as if you had received an electric shock.

We had definite chemistry, and the conversation flowed easily. You told me about how your father had died, and how you hated cheese. I told you about how I hated moving to Forks and how I was allergic to tulips. The smile you gave me was astounding.
That was definitely the first day I had fun in Forks.

When school came around on Monday you acknowledged me whenever you saw me. You always waved or smiled, which always put me in a significantly better mood.

That was the day you introduced me to Lisa: your “girlfriend”, as you described her. Lisa and I wore identical expressions that day: expressions of fear. It took me a long time to figure out she was scared of losing you, but I understand now the connection we had ran so deep that even she noticed it. I shook her hand and talked during the lunch hour. We had so much in common, but we could never be real friends - not with you in the picture.

School went by quickly. The New Year came and went, and the tutoring sessions continued. It was different now though. I knew you were giving into temptation when your hand would linger on top of mine for a few seconds more than necessary. The way you looked at me when we passed in the hallway was one of lust and need. You tried to keep it hidden; I know you did. But people noticed - especially Lisa.

I was dreading Valentines Day. The only person I wanted to be with was you, but that wasn’t possible. When I got to my locker that morning, there were dozens of tulips everywhere. I knew they couldn’t be from you. You knew I was allergic, you knew me better than anyone else.

By lunchtime, there was a bunch of roses taped to my locker. My heart soared as I thought of the possibilities. The card read ‘Too my one true love’. I wanted to cry with happiness there was no denying the elegant script was yours. I looked down the hallway and there you were, just looking at me. I gave you a teary eyed smile. You smiled and gave me a half-hearted wave, before walking away.

When I tried to thank you for the flowers, you wouldn’t want to hear it. You said I deserved them, therefore I didn’t need to thank you. I didn’t give up though, so you shut me up in the only way you thought was possible; you kissed me.

It was pure bliss. I remember your scent, your taste, and how your silky hair felt between my fingers. All the passion that had been withheld was unleashed as we secured our bond. We eventually had to breathe and all you could do was kiss me on the nose, and say I’m sorry.

That was the second time you walked away from me, and it broke my heart. I knew we could have had something great; something special and worth fighting for. But there was no doubt in my mind that you had gone to Lisa that night, to prove how much you loved her. I still shudder at the thought.

You avoided me for weeks after that. You were never there for our tutoring sessions. Your mother always told me that you had just left the house before my arrival. I never even saw you in the hallways. It must have taken a great deal of effort to avoid me, but there was no denying it.

The next time I saw you was at Jessica’s party. You looked breathtaking; I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you. Eventually, I managed to get you alone, to ask what your problem was.

You looked me straight in the eye and at that moment looked so utterly miserable. You said one word that broke my heart in two: Lisa.
You went on to explain that it was your father's dying wish to see the two of you marry. Lisa was completely for it,
and so were you until you met me.

You kept saying you were sorry, but one word kept running through my mind: engaged. You were engaged to Lisa;
you were to be husband and wife.

Forever.

I couldn’t meet your eyes. I felt so betrayed. I honestly thought that we would end up together at some point, but my dreams and hopes for the future were shattered. You told me you loved me. I should have smiled, but the declaration was so bittersweet. I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I responded telling you that I would always love you, no matter what. We were both crying, but you had to leave. Lisa was ill and you had to go see if she was okay.

Of course I said I understood, but my eyes told another story. All I wanted to do was break down in tears and ask why. You saw things were about to get harder, so you kissed my nose and ran for the door.

By this time we were about to graduate and I would be going off to college on the other side of the country. The thought of never seeing you again sent me into a frenzy. I couldn’t accept the fact that you were Lisa’s; her fiancé.

We were meant to be together - we both knew it. Then I would catch sight of the ring on Lisa’s finger, and I would avoid you for days.
You had made your decision. There was no going back anymore.

The night before I was to leave for college was the best night of my entire existence. You stood on my doorstep blabbering on about how you couldn’t stay away from me. You said you wanted to be with me, not with Lisa. My heart swelled at the prospect and I pulled you in for a kiss, and you didn’t pull back.

We found our way to the bedroom, our clothes left forgotten in a heap on the floor. You were so loving and gentle. You whispered how much you loved me in my ear at the first signs of discomfort. I marveled at how each of my curves fit perfectly with yours. Two jigsaw pieces brought together.

You rocked us in to places I couldn’t have imagined. I was in pure bliss. That night I watched you sleep. I traced the smile on your face with my finger, and I brushed the hair of your face until I couldn’t keep sleep away any longer. I fell asleep in your arms.

The next morning I woke up with so much energy that I could have jumped up and down on my bed shouting for joy, but then I noticed the absence of weight across my stomach and the cold sheets next to me. You had gone. On the pillow you left a note.


Char,
I am so sorry, but I can’t do this. I love you with all my heart and soul, and nobody else will ever be able to take that from you. I really am sorry; I just can’t leave Lisa by herself. We’ve been together for years, and she’s been my best friend since birth. I can’t take this wedding away from her. Before you arrived, I truly did love her. Remember this Char, I don’t regret anything. Last night was indescribable. It meant everything to me. Please don’t believe I did it to get you out of my system, I didn’t. You will always be in my thoughts, always be in my dreams, and I will always remember your perfection. You deserve so much better. So go and be happy, live your life and we will be reunited again soon.

Forever Yours,

Ricky


I cried for weeks after that. I had lost the only good thing in my life. The years went by slowly, and the hole within me only grew bigger,
as I began to fully understand what I had lost; my chance at happiness.

I often wished for death , wished the pain would disappear, but it was rooted so deep inside of me. It still is.
It flows within the deepest veins of my body, is rooted in my bones, and is so centered in the middle of my mind
that it’s all I can think about.

I eventually came back to Forks. I found out it was the only place that the huge hole inside of me was close to healing a tiny bit.
The pain didn’t disappear, but became numb as I relived my past with you. I heard about your wedding, your children,
and your grandchildren. I was happy for you; happy that at least one of us got to live a fulfilling life.

And now we return to the present. I’m eighty years old, and on my deathbed. I had wished for death frequently,
but now it was finally here.

My pulse begins to go slow, as I remember the image of you. My heartbeat stutters, as I remember our time together.
My lips curve up into a smile, as I remember the state of euphoria I was constantly in when I was around you.

And with my last breaths, I whisper the four words that will have us reunite in heaven.
The four words that are as true now, as they were sixty years ago.

I love you Ricky.


@The End@