Sanity Interrupted will be released January 20th...more info to follow!

I've been a very busy girl this summer. I wrote a poetry book called Sanity Interrupted...
it isn't traditional poetry by any stretch of the imagination, it's more like an emotional roller coaster ride of words. The poems are fictional but the feelings are brutally honest. The pages are filled with sexually charged fantasies and raw emotions.

We all face decisions that we know could change our lives, the female heroine learns that if tempted, lust will overshadow right from wrong. She acts without thinking about morality or taboos and talks herself into believing it's all in the name of love. Her body reaps the benefits but her soul will pay the price for her sins of the flesh. Blindly, she follows her desires to the edge of insanity.

The ebook is due out after the first of the year. I'll send the link where to purchase it when I have the info.

Is it possible to fall out of love with one's future? Is life that cruel?

This is going to be a real bitch to write but I need to do it.
I recently read the Crossroads blog and almost died. Those
words don't fit my situation anymore, even though I wish they
did with all my heart. Since then I have gone through so many
changes. I finished the book but didn't put that part of me to rest.
Actually I have resurrected that crazy girl by remembering the past.

I'm not sure if insanity has finally caught up with me or if I
am finally completely sane. All at once I have evolved into
someone I don't know or fully understand but I like this person
and want to get to know her. I am torn between the life I have and
the life I can only imagine. The one I have is perfect but the
mystery life full of excitement and uncertainty is beckoning me.

In some ways I feel amazing but there are some harsh realities
that go along with my rebirth. Mostly, I fear I will hurt the people
who love me the most…but living a lie is killing me slowly.
I fear that I don't have any of the answers anymore. All the things
I thought were written in stone have suddenly been washed away
with the rising tide. I am once again battling to keep my head
above water. Maybe I was wrong to think that I could change, now
I believe that I was just acting a part in a beautiful play that suddenly
has had its final curtain call without warning or reason.

All I know is that I want to rent a fast convertible throw a bag in the trunk
and drive until nothing looks familiar. I don't want to be anyone's wife,
anyone's mother or anyone's daughter. For just a week, I want to forget my
name and who I was or who I thought I should be. I don't want to answer to
anyone but myself. I don't want to ask permission to do something I feel like
doing. All that said…I don't really know what is going to happen to me.

We define ourselves everyday with some sort of label.
They define our character...
Our views on the world.
Where we are going...where we have been.

We label ourselves all the time and are okay with that,
it is the labels slapped on us against our will that really piss us off,
especially the inaccurate or misunderstood ones.
Over the years I hated labels but at this point
they are the least of my problems.

Here are a few I would use for myself:
witty, outspoken, nonjudgmental, open, honest, intelligent, intuitive,
friend, enemy,committed, strong, My Chem fan, outcast, bitch, wife,
mother, writer, insane, self aware,insecure, pessimist, optimist, renegade,
controversial, opinionated, happy...
The list could go on but I think you get my point.

Old labels:
Prep, stoner, drunkard, confused, lover, hater, honors student, daughter,
suicidal, hopeless, angry, depressed, lonely, misfit...

They aren't going away so we might as well get used to them.
The most important thing is that WE know who we are at the end of every day.

Keeping My Head Above Water...

Precariously holding on until exhausted, I tumbled down a proverbial dark, dank well and at seventeen years old my chances of making it out alive were dishearteningly minuet. Falling from grace, I welcomed death with open arms but just moments before it was too late I rallied, clawing my way back to the light of a new day. Keeping My Head Above Water…is a true life story.

A smart, pretty girl from a picture perfect, middle class family didn’t just wake up one day and contemplate suicide; it took years for those feelings to surface. Outwardly living an amazingly charmed life, what the world saw was not real, it was a beautiful illusion fabricated to conceal the horrible truth. Over five tumultuous teenage years, I experienced countless self awakenings with unimaginable highs and indescribable lows. Self loathing became an art form and I used alcohol as a coping mechanism. The downward spiral was quickly accelerated by date rape after which the pain of my existence became unbearable. Tragically, no one ever knew the unspeakable things that happened to me. Too ashamed, suffering instead in silence, the secret nature of a teen’s life made it impossible to ask for help, proving you don’t have to publicly hit rock bottom to be in imminent danger.

Constantly looking for something to save me, I discovered that I had to rescue myself by first believing that I was worthy of love and happiness. The manuscript is an edgy, brutally candid and sometimes dark, uncensored truth about growing up. It illustrates that actions can have dire consequences. This book has nothing to do with religious beliefs. Ironically, the centered person I am today is a direct result of my struggles.

Sharing my wisdom with the next generation is a mission I have undertaken in the hopes that maybe just one girl won’t make the same painful mistakes that I did. I recently submitted it to a small inde publisher...so wish me luck.

Thanks for all your support. I really do love you guys! Tell everyone you know about me, I need as much help as possible if I want to get this book out. Tweet me. I will keep you all updated.

Blogging is like thinking out loud with an audience;
a very dangerous proposition for someone like me,
but I love putting my thoughts and feelings out into the great void of cyberspace.

I am at a turning point; it has been coming for a while.
I’m halfway through this thing we call life. 40 is just around the corner,
fuck that sounds old, even though I feel more alive than ever before.
There were days I didn’t think I would make it to 20, so I have done well.
I know I am half way because, 80 will be more than enough years for me.
The hell with dying gracefully in an old age home; I want to go out with a bang!

I am at a spiritual convergence where My Chem meets Sweet Japonic,
seems like an impossible combination but I have been an enigma my entire life.
My Chem is the crazy angsty side of me and Sweet Japonic is the mature and
self confident side, both these parts reside in harmony.

I hate labels but I have been many things; I’ve been a daughter, student, misfit,
friend, enemy, outcast, hell raiser, saint, lover, wife, mother and what am I now
the answer is just over the horizon.

Most people have a mid life crisis right about now and do something stupid and
unfathomable, not me I am going to embrace all that I am and all that I will be.
I am at the place where I can do whatever the hell I want and not give a shit
what anyone else thinks, finally. This has been a very long time coming for me.
Well I am here and the future appears to be brighter and fuller
of hope and wonder than my past. All that said I must be doing something right.

I am not going to run out and buy a fast expensive sports car…
I like speed too much I would end up dead!
I am not going to run out and have an affair…
I am still crazy in love with my husband.

So what am I going to do?
I am going to finish my book, come to terms with my insane teenage years
and put it all to rest.
I have learned all my lessons and once I share what I have learned my journey
will be complete, I will have come full circle.

I am throwing caution to the wind; I am taking a chance on the unknown.
With determination I will figure out the dilemma that is my life and get everything my heart desires.
I believe in fate and karma and I feel it is my time to shine.

When judgment day comes I will be ready because I will know that I did my best
and had no regrets and what more can anyone ask for?
By the way I will be going to the hot place if it exists and I doubt it does!

This isn't new but I wanted to share it again, I think it was first posted last summer.

I have been doing some serious thinking about life lately…
The one burning question in my mind is:
Why does this band have the power to make so many positive
changes in fan’s lives?
What things do they posses and share with us that make such a huge impact?
Is it the raw intensity of the lyrics that are so full of dark truths?
The truths that no one wants to talk about.
Is it the music itself that has the magic to heal your battered and broken heart?
Maybe it is just the five beautiful souls that grace that stage always
so willing to give it all to the fans and ask for nothing in return.
I believe it is all these things and more...

Maybe the why doesn’t really matter?

Let’s talk about the fucking reality of it.
I know that they have saved lives.
I have heard the stories and I believe every single one.
Some break my heart and some make me smile.
They all illustrate the strength of the human spirit.
The want to survive all the shit the world throws your way.

I have talked to the scared fans that needed something
to grasp on to and have found that one thing in this band’s music.
I see the heart wrenching questions that are asked on the band’s profile page.
These people are looking for answers and are searching for help.
Sometimes the help is found in other fan’s that feel the same way.
Other times it is just having someone to listen and not judge.

This band has brought so many troubled minds together and that is beautiful.
We see that we are not alone in this miserable world.
We are a MCRmy and our passion for life is our driving force.
We are all important and our lives do mean something
even if we can’t see that clearly in this desolate moment.

I know what it is like to stand on the edge of a cliff
and want to dive off into the unknown! To beg for the fucking pain to end!
I have felt so helpless and confused that suicide seemed like the only answer.
It is not the answer! It is a fucking waste of an exquisite life.
A life that has meaning; even if it isn’t yet clear to you.

This band gives you options that you didn’t know existed.
It gives you the capacity to want to find another way out of your dark place.
This band has given the lost and timid a voice; a very loud and powerful voice!
They make you want to go out in the light and scream at the top of your lungs…
I am alive and you will not fucking destroy me!

Nana, You lived a long beautiful life. You were loved deeply by an amazing man you met when you were just a young girl. When he joined the navy, you sent him a letter telling him to mail you the money for an engagement ring if he wanted you to wait for him. You were a lady who knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to go after it. You gave birth to two daughters who are polar opposites, like Papa and you, but you didn't see that, instead you asked who they took after. I think in your heart you knew.

I was the first grandchild, in a way that made me special and I always felt your love. Growing up I spent many days and nights at your house. Memories are strange they can feel so real, tangible even years after the moment happened. I remember listening to you snore while laying awake wondering why Papa had his own room and making donuts one day in your kitchen after school. When I smell plain cake donuts I always think of you.

You always spoke your mind, even if it hurt people's feelings. As I grew into a woman, I formed my own opinions and like you said what I felt. We butted heads a few times on how I should raise my daughter, your great granddaughter. One time I pissed you off so badly that you didn't talk to me for 3 months. We always made up, sometimes forgiving and other times forgetting what we disagreed on. No one ever stood up to you, I'm not sure if it was out of fear or out of respect but I surmise that it was a little of both. There were times that you were difficult to love but I loved you despite your flaws and you loved me despite mine.

In some ways I am like you. I found a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally, the same way Papa loved you and Hal wears the gold band you gave to Papa over 50 years ago. I am brash and cold at times like you but I see that it isn't out of hatred it is out of fear. I learned from your life and hope I am lucky enough to be loved half as much as you were. I will miss you.

If you need a day to remind yourself that you love someone
or a reason to remind them that they love you...
something is seriously wrong with your relationship.

Everyday should be an affirmation of your love
if it isn't; it is definitely time to move on.
Save yourself the heart ache and torment...
admit it is not meant to be.

If you aren't in a relationship, today is just another painful
reminder that you are alone, sometimes because of you.

So it is time to say we don't want this fucking propaganda
shamelessly shoved down our throats anymore.

The day is all about selling cards and killing roses.
Hearts aren't beautiful and symmetrical.
They are instead messy, grotesque and bloody;
occasionally as black as night: dead and empty.

Boycott Valentine's Day and celebrate what is real.
Pain and loneliness are a part of life so embrace it.

On here you like people for what they have to say.
Not for who they are or what they look like.
It is the least biased social situation in the world.
Sexual orientation doesn't come into play.
It doesn't matter if there is an age difference or
an economic diversity. We are all equal.
Shit, it doesn't matter if we are on the same continent!
We get each other and we care about one another.

We are just humans looking for a connection.
I made a big one when I met Hazel.
Her friendship has enhanced my life...
changed it for the better. That is amazing!
I thank My Chem everyday for bringing us together.

I have shared more with my new imeem friends
than with any of my real world friends or family.
I have known people for over ten years and
I have never breached any of these controversial subjects.
That amazes me...and saddens me.

What makes this medium so different?
I think we are more honest when we can let our guard down.
Meeting people this way is very freeing.
There is no judging.
Sometimes there are disagreements but that is life.
Online friendships are good for the soul.

All we are is the friendships we build.
When we die, there is nothing left but
the memories our friends carry with them in their hearts.
I am glad we are all on here together...
I never understood online friendship until I tried it...
it rocks!