Pain erased all the feelings in me and left me wounded, only with hatred consuming every bit of my own self..

It started out when I was in my high school, when my clique met an accident. Fate was cruel and it took one life away.. We were devastated, depressed, broken. Worse of all, people started blaming us.. What happened was out of our control, but why were they throwing stones at us when we ourselves were bleeding from the loss? That’s when I started to realize how cruel people can be when they can..

A month after, another friend died and thoughts were lingering in my mind: Is god playing games with my life? Then again, I started to doubt my own faith..

Tragedy came one after the other.. If it wasn’t for my best friend I would be lying in my grave now.. He stopped me from hurting myself, assuring me everything’s gonna be alright.. I, myself, don’t believe that but his warmth assurance was all I needed to stay calm and try to live my life..

Not until he deceived me.. not until he left me, leaving all the promises he made behind.. Leaving me here to drown silently in my own tears.. Leaving me burning with hatred..

My friends and families were aware of the growing change in me, but they know better that they can do nothing.. I wasn’t myself anymore. I was another me; someone who lives by hatred.. Behind my smile, behind the facade I wear, is someone who’s bleeding..

Death played with me.. Deception scarred me.. Pity trashed my heart to pieces.. Hate had engulfed my life.. And what I have become now, I owe it all to the people who never did anything but watch me die..

im fine.. seri0usly..

it's been nine months since we've last talked, and i don't care.. i just d0nt care n0w..

i d0 miss y0u.. desperately..

but that d0esn't mean i still need y0u.. im d0ing fine 0n my 0wn.. actually, i'm d0ing great..

n0 m0re teArs, n0 m0re heArtaches, n0 more pain..

three years of those stupid m0ments trying t0 catch y0ur attention..

it was w0rth it. i had fun.. at least i've enjoyed my silly m0ments with y0u..

th0se three dAys in n0vember, they're forever engraved in my mind..

just in my mind..

i'm trying t0 f0rget y0u.. but im n0t g0nna push out th0se memories we had.. they're gonna be the little reminders of s0me0ne i used t0 call "pAre k0"..

i wanna hate y0u but that's not g0nna be fair.. after all, you really didn't kill me.. y0u just sent my heart to hell, and it burnt.. it's w0unded, and i d0n't even think y0u care.. i d0n't even think y0u kn0w.. *sigh*

and thAt's my starting p0int..

what's the p0int in waiting when i'm not even sure if there's s0mething to wAit for?? w0uld it even c0me??

but a l0t of thanks..

if it weren't for y0u, i w0uldn't have experienced this heartbreAking pain that had helped me bec0me numb of all the things ar0und..

if it weren't for you, i wouldn't be the "me" i am right n0w..

it heLped a l0t..

and n0w i d0n't care if i die or not..

you already ended my life the moment you said go0dbye..

"all these scars in my arms, don't worry.. they're gonna be little notes to remind me how many times you broke my heart.."

a poem down on the alley at the park where i dwell

i once knew a guy i loved so well..

he took my heart away from me

and n0w he wants to set it free!

i lay and cry in bed

not a word to mama i said..

while papa came home early that night

looking for me from left to right..

finally through the door he broke

he found me hanging on a rope..

he got a knife and cut me down

and on the dresser a note he found;

"dig my grave and dig it deep"

filled with marble stones from head to feet..

and on the top please put a dove,

to show the world i died for love.."

i really want t0 kiLL him.. t0 ch0ke the life 0ut from him.. make him suffer and pay.. let him feel h0w much it hurts.. watch him die, as he pleads f0r his life.. sav0r the m0ment that he would finally tell me he's s0rry and that he loves me..

but n0, that w0uld never happen.. f0r he never cared the way i did for him.. and he never even tried t0 fill the v0id that's inside of me..

and killing him would mean digging my 0wn grave and burying myself alive, carrying with me all the heartaches and pains i never even deserve..

i never even tried to hurt his heart of st0ne, but why did he have to crush my fragiLe heart t0 pieces?? and h0w c0uld he just smiLe, turn and waLk away, leaving me to dr0wn silently in my own tears??

it's as simple as this: HE NEVER REALLY CARED..

it's as clear as water he d0esn't.. but why am i still finding it so hard to swallow?

how could i let myself be blinded by the fact that even though we became bestfriends for a short time, i never really was a big part of his life??

but he was.. not just a part of it.. he's my life.. and he knows well enough that walking out of my life would hurt me so badly.. he knows that well enough not to do it..

but he did..

n0w all i feel is hatred and pity.. and it's gr0wing with every tear i shed.. and the irony is, there's n0t a tear left to fall..

i hate him so much that i still can't move on.. i still like him..