Here's how to recognize and cope with three common relationship problems. Plus, tips on expressing yourself appropriately & overcoming emotional distance.

Common relationship problems range from fear of intimacy to fear of rejection. Everyone struggles with fears of intimacy, change, and abandonment – but some people struggle more than others. Here's how to recognize and deal with three common relationship problems.

Common Relationship Problem #1: Fear of Intimacy

Even in childhood we fear being swallowed up by another person and losing our unique selves. We want to be independent with our own personalities, likes, dislikes, strengths, and even weaknesses. This is the first common relationship problem: fear of intimacy - which can involve engulfment.

Engulfment occurs when we lose who we are in our relationship: not only are our preferences lost – we may not even know what are preferences are anymore! People who have a fear of intimacy may be overly anxious about losing their selves, which makes them extremely guarded and hard to know. People with a fear of intimacy may fear being trapped or suffocated, which exacerbates their relationship fears.

This common relationship problem may be solved by learning how to overcome fear of intimacy.

Common Relationship Problem #2: Fear of Change

Sometimes our relationship fears make us afraid our partner will change; other times we fear he or she won't at all. Even good changes can be hard to deal with. When familiar habits and routines are changed, we feel a sense of unease because we have adjustments to make, new routines to create.

Talking honestly about changes is the best way to deal with this common relationship problem. Discussing relationship fears, hopes, motivations, and practical issues will make changes blend in with the daily routine in a much smoother way. Even fighting about your feelings is better than repressing or stuffing them down.

Common Relationship Problem #3: Fear of Abandonment

Most of us don't want to be alone, and are dismayed at the thought of being rejected or abandoned. Even the healthiest people have some fear of abandonment. We know we could survive but life is better and easier with others (this is a primal instinct). We fear being left due to death, rejection, illness, physical or even emotional distance. This is a common relationship problem.

Becoming independent and emotionally healthy with your own life and goals is an ideal way to deal with this common relationship problem.

These common relationship problems are revealed in different ways:

• Overinvolvement in another person's life
• Constant phone calls, visits, e-mails, etc.
• Requests for attention or acknowledgement
• Jealous or controlling behaviors (common relationship fears)
• Withdrawal or extreme guardedness

To minimize these common relationship problems:

• Be aware of your fears! It's okay to feel fear of intimacy; simply knowing that you're afraid of losing yourself and being engulfed by your relationship or family could prevent it from happening. When you know what you fear, you're in a better position to deal with it. Accepting that you have a common relationship problem will help you solve it.

• Express yourself appropriately. If you're afraid of being abandoned, try not to suffocate your loved ones with excessive attention or jealousy. Talk about your feelings, write them down – see a counselor if you're really struggling. Don't let your relationship problems – which are normal – dictate your behavior or wreck your relationship.

• Get educated. Do you have an extreme fear of intimacy or fear of abandonment? Find out how to successfully deal with change and how to be supportive when your loved ones want to change. Read books, seek support groups, or talk to a counselor about your relationship problems.

These common relationship problems take some work to overcome, but being aware and open to change will go a long way.

Author: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Published: Feb 2, 2007

Find out how to be a good friend and enjoy a strong support network. These health benefits of friendship may surprise you.

The health benefits of friendship include a longer, healthier life. Plus, being a good friend makes your life more fun, interesting, and easy to handle! Another health benefit of friendship is that when you have even one best or close friend, your attitude and ability to deal with stress and problems is greatly increased.

Surprisingly, even spending time with an intimate partner doesn't provide the same health benefits as friendship. Good friends offer a different kind of support than lovers, siblings, parents, or children do. Good friends provide a different level of understanding and communication -- and this positively affects your health, wellness, and attitude. Strong feelings of connectedness is another health benefit of friendship.

The Health Benefits of Friendship

Stressed-out hamsters with skin wounds who were paired with other hamsters healed faster than those left alone to heal. The hamsters with friends also produced less of the stress hormone cortisol, which has negative effects on mood and immunity. You may not be a hamster, but the effects are transferable to human friends. If you're depressed, recuperating from an illness, or stressed you'll heal and deal faster with friends. This is a huge health benefit of friendship.

Researchers haven’t figured out exactly how, but friends boost your immune system. Good friends help you relax, take a deep breath, and remember what really matters – and why. The connection and relationship you feel when you’re with your friends boosts your feelings of hope, faith, and belief that things will be Okay. Friends provide comfort and companionship, laughter and honesty. A strong support network can also keep you motivated and energized! This is why it's important to know how to be a good friend.

A strong support network isn't just about emotions and feelings. A huge health benefit of friendship is moral support. Practically speaking, when a friend accompanies you to a doctor’s appointment or medical procedure, you’ll likely experience lower blood pressure and a slower heart rate. You’ll heal faster and live longer. Without social ties or friends to keep you going, you’re more likely to experience negative emotions, more illnesses, and even earlier death than normal. A strong support network will keep you alive and well.

6 Ways To Be A Good Friend

1. Spend time together. If you can’t go for walks or to yoga class together, then telephone or email your friend regularly. The conversations needn’t be long or personal; those quick “I’m thinking of you” moments can go a long way in making a strong support network.

2. Make friends a priority. Maybe you “should” clean the house, wash the dog, go grocery shopping, or watch tv (some people feel they should do that!). But give those “shoulds” the brush and prioritize your friendships. There will be plenty of time for those “shoulds” when you’re dead. For now, think about the health benefits of friendship.

3. Be there for the good and bad. Show up for the funerals and the weddings, the surgeries and the celebrations! Be sincerely sad or genuinely happy for your friend – and include them on the good and bad in your life, too. One way to be a good friend is to be inclusive.

4. Don’t keep score. Who called who last? Who bought lunch last? Who spent the most on Christmas gifts? Who forgot whose birthday? Who cares? If you have a good friend, cut a little slack. If your friendship really isn’t that great, then maybe you need to re-evaluate it. The health benefits of friendship will outlast the score-keeping cards.

5. Notice the little stuff. The conversations that matter the most are the quick little ones that last only a few minutes. It’s not always the deep long heart-to-hearts that bond friends together -- it's the day to day minutiae of everyday life. One way to be a good friend is to have short, sweet conversations.

6. Focus on the positive. We all have quirks and weaknesses; focusing on your friend’s strengths and wonderful qualities will keep your friendship alive and strong. To be a good friend, forget about the things you wish were different.

Author: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Published: Mar 22, 2007

1. Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty and the pig likes it.

2. Never argue with an idiot; people watching might not be able to tell the difference.

3. Observe everything; admire nothing.

4. It's easier to obtain forgiveness than it is permission.

5. Never resist an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.

6. Don't ask the question if you can't live with the answer.

7. Things are never so small that they can't be blown out of proportion.

8. Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.

9. If you don't know what you're doing, you won't know when to quit.

10. Never look back unless you intend to go that way.

Source: Kenneth D. Sowers, Jr., in "Illustrations_Clergy" mailing list, 1/22/1998.

If your personality traits aren't working for you, consider changing your personality. Here's what personality psychology reveals about personality change (in 5 steps!).

"If you're ready for change, you can make it happen," says retired psychologist Jan Goldfield, PhD. Changing your personality is not only possible, it can make your life more enjoyable. Here, the basics of personality psychology reveal how to change your personality effectively.

Personality Psychology: Changing Your Personality Traits

Until recently both professionals and laypeople believed that personality traits are set by age 30. Further, psychologists believed certain personality traits are mostly genetic, which means you're born agreeable, neurotic, or extroverted – and you'll stay that way despite your environment or desire to change. You can’t make any personality changes, they once believed.

Current research, however, suggests that personality traits do change. You can change your personality if you want to.

University of California (Berkeley) researchers Sanjay Srivastava and Oliver P John found that not only do personality traits change over time – personality traits change more in adulthood than in childhood. As an adult, changing your personality can improve your life.

Personality Psychology: Five Steps to Changing Your Personality

1. Decide why you want to change your personality. Are you changing your personality because you want to impress your partner or mother? Changing your personality traits to suit others isn't healthy. Plus those personality changes won't last because they're not based on your own needs. On the other hand, if you want to change your personality because you're tired of sitting at home alone or feeling sad most of the time, then you're more likely to be happy with your personality changes.

2. Pick a specific personality trait to change. To change your personality, pick one thing to focus on. For example, if you're hesitant to try parachuting – but you want to try new things – then focus on the "openness" trait of the Big Five Personality Traits. Practice trying new things, using your imagination, and taking small risks (baby steps) are effective ways to change your personality. After you take small steps, then making bigger personality changes is relatively easy.

3. Give yourself time to change your personality. You can't change your personality overnight. Set small, reasonable goals such as allowing yourself to worry for no longer than five minutes a day. Be patient. If you stay focused and persistent, you will make effectively change your personality, such as worrying less or becoming more agreeable.

4. Be accountable for changing your personality. Trust a friend or spouse to help you change your personality. Ask them to tell you when you're displaying the personality traits you're pursuing – and accept their praise when you show that trait! This will motivate and support you, and strengthen your relationships too. Changing your personality can change your life.

5. Be open to other sources of help for changing your personality. Sometimes you need more support than a friend or spouse when you’re changing your personality – and there are hundreds of options! Books about personality psychology, support groups, counselors, life coaches, workshops, and classes are just a few possibilities when you're changing your personality. An objective point of view is invaluable in helping you identify healthy reasons for personality change.

Author: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Published: Dec 16, 2007

You don't need a Myers Briggs Personality Test to know if your characteristics are working for or against you. Here's the Big Five Personality Traits & how they work.

Your Big Five Personality Traits affect your health, relationships, goals, achievements, professional success, and even your spirituality. Your whole life is affected both positively and negatively by your Big Five Personality Traits. In fact, some people believe there is such thing as a "cancer personality." If someone has a cancer personality, their characteristics actually create toxins that work against their immune system, leaving them defenseless against certain diseases.

The fundamental five personality characteristics are called the "Big Five Personality Traits" among psychologists. Once thought to remain the same since childhood, the Big Five Personality Traits are now believed to change over time.

The Big Five Personality Traits

1. Conscientiousness. You're organized and disciplined, dedicated and loyal – especially at work. Excellent performances and strong commitments are standard. Of all the Big Five Personality Traits, this one will take you far in your career.

2. Agreeableness. You're friendly, pleasant and easy to be around; your relationships are mostly strong. You're a social creature, and get your energy from being around other people. This Big Five Personality Trait opens many doors!

3. Neuroticism. You worry. You're often anxious and emotionally unstable. You're more likely to struggle with depression and sadness. This "Big Five Personality Trait" can lead to physical ill health.

4. Openness. You love adventures and trying new things; you're insightful and imaginative. Creativity adds spice to your life, and you're not afraid to take risks. People with this Big Five Personality Trait are often risk takers.

5. Extroversion. You're assertive, talkative, and don't mind being the centre of attention (in fact, you prefer it!). Being alone isn't your favorite activity; in fact, the more the merrier. This Big Five Personality Trait is found in extroverts all over the world!

Are your Big Five Personality Traits working for or against you? If your personality traits hold you back, damage your relationships, interfere with your work, or cause pain, then you may be ripe for a to make some personality changes!

Author: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Published: Jan 16, 2007

Studies indicate that music can have profound physical and psychological effects not only on people but also on animals and plants.

Music, Mice and Madness

David Merrill devised an experiment to discover how music would affect the ability of mice to learn new things. Merrill had one group of mice listen to classical music 24 hours a day and another to heavy metal music. He then timed the mice as they ran through mazes to see if the music affected their speed of learning. Unfortunately, he had to cut the first experiment short because the heavy metal mice all killed one another. In a second experiment, mice that listened to Mozart for 10 hours a day dramatically improved their maze-solving abilities, while the heavy metal mice actually became worse at solving mazes than they had been at the beginning of the experiment.

Music, Intelligence and Learning

According to the Association for Psychological Science (2004, "New Research Provides the First Solid Evidence that the Study of Music Promotes Intellectual Development"), intelligence test scores grew higher in children who took lessons in keyboarding or singing. In another study reported by the American Psychological Association (2003, "Music Instruction Aids Verbal Memory"), boys between the ages of 6 and 15 who took music lessons scored higher on tests of verbal memory than a control group of students without musical training.

Music and Pain Reduction

Researchers found that patients who listened to harp, piano, synthesizer, orchestra or slow jazz experienced less post-surgical pain than those who did not.

Music Therapy and Autism

Music therapy is particularly helpful for autistic students, who have difficulty interacting with classmates and teachers and become agitated in noisy, changeable environments. Autistic students respond very well to music therapy, which can be used to help them remain calm under stress and socialize more effectively. In addition, many autistic children have spectacular music skills.

Music and Violence

In a study of university students, participants listened to seven songs with violent lyrics, while a control group listened to seven songs without violent lyrics by the same artists. Afterwards, when asked to classify words as violent or nonviolent, those who had listened to violent lyrics were more likely to ascribe aggressive meanings to words such as “rock” and “stick.” The American Psychological Society has also published a report stating that research has definitively proved the link between youth violence and violent media, including music.

Music and Suicide

On a stranger note, sociology professor James Gundlach found higher rates of suicide among those who listen to country music (ABC Science Online, 2004, "Country music-suicide link wins an IgNobel"). However, Gundlach notes that the suicide link occurred only with older country music, which he believes is not as upbeat as today’s.

Music and Plant Health

Experiments conducted by Dorothy Retallack to learn about music's effects on plants are described in her 1973 book The Sound of Music and Plants. Retallack played rock music (Jimi Hendrix, Led Zeppelin and Vanilla Fudge) for one group of plants and jazz for another. When two weeks had passed, the jazz plants were healthy and bent toward the radio. The rock music plants grew very tall and droopy, with faded blooms, and most had died within 16 days.

Retallack tried other types of music, including country, to which the plants showed no reaction, and modern (discordant) classical music, which caused the plants to bend away from the speaker. The plants seemed to “like” Bach and North Indian sitar and tabla music.

Other people have conducted similar experiments, and some claim to have achieved similar results. However, Linda Chalker-Scott ("The Myth of Absolute Science") has critized Retallack for using unscientific methods in her experiments.

Author: Jennifer Copley
Published: Feb 25, 2008

Featured Story: Take my Son!

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.

When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle, while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.

About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.

He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety, when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art." The young man held out this package. "I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this."

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift."

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home, he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.

On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel... "We will start the bidding with this picture of the son...who will bid for this picture?" There was silence.

Then, a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous paintings...skip this one." But the auctioneer persisted,"Will somebody bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding..$100, $200?" Another voice angrily shouted, "We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts...get on with the real bids!"

But still the auctioneer continued: "The son! The son...who'll bid on the son?" Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.

"We have $10, who will bid $20?" "Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters." "$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?" The crowd was becoming angry and did not want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections. The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice... SOLD for $10!"

A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now let's get on with the auction and the other art in the collection!"
The auctioneer laid down his gavel and stated, "I'm sorry, but the auction is over." "What about the paintings?"

"When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time and the son was sold. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned and whoever bought that painting would inherit the man's entire estate, including the paintings! The man who bought the son gets everything!"

God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The son, the son, who'll take the son?" Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.

FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, WHO SO EVER BELIEVETH, SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE...THAT'S LOVE



Central Message and Challenge

Jesus taught us to call God “Father”, Abba, thus revealing to us the depth of our relationship with him. Infinite and eternal is his love for every person and for all humanity. Eloquent in this regard are God's words found in the book of the Prophet Isaiah:

“Can a woman forget her baby at the breast,
or fail to cherish the child of her womb?
Yet even if these forget,
I will never forget you.
See, upon the palms of my hands
I have written your name” (49:15-16).

Let us accept the invitation to share this love! In it is found the secret of respect for the rights of every woman and every man. The dawn of the new millennium will thus find us more ready to build peace together.

- John Paul II, World Day of Peace, 1999, 13




Meditation and Prayer

“The sun is so large that, if it were hollow, it could contain more than a million worlds of the size of our earth. There are stars in space so large that they could easily hold 500 million suns of the size of ours.”

Let’s pause and think for a moment how small we are in the Universe, yet we can read in the Bible that God has written the name of each of us on the palm of his hand…

Prayer: Lord God, Creator of light, at the rising of your sun each morning let the greatest of all lights - your love - rise, like the sun, within my heart.



Thoughts To Live By

Many times in our lives we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by who we are. You are special.

Don’t ever forget it!

I have my own particular sorrows, loves, delights; and you have yours. But sorrow, gladness, yearning, hope, love, belong to all of us, in all times and in all places. Music is the only means whereby we feel these emotions in their universality. ~H.A. Overstreet