Wouldn't you think that the other Founding Fathers would really be irked by the size of John Hancock's signature on the Declaration of Independence?

The last Neanderthal man on Earth must have been a real jerk. You can just imagine the last two Neanderthal women confiding in each other, "I wouldn't mate with Grog if he were the last Neanderthal man on Earth." And so we have no more Neanderthals. Too bad.

Columbus was looking for India when he found America. And he just stopped. Isn't that like looking for your keys and stopping when you find your comb?

Five hundred years ago, spices sparked world exploration just like porn sparks Internet exploration today.

Everything that happened before we were born, we take on faith.

I wonder who would win a death match between Ramesses the Great, Alfred the Great, Peter the Great and Alexander the Great.

How could anyone have taken Hitler seriously when the only other people who had his kind of mustache were Charlie Chaplin and Oliver Hardy?

What do Magic Johnson, George Harrison, Reggie Bush and "Get Smart" star Don Adams have in common? They all have the last name of two different U.S. presidents.

They say that success has many parents, while failure is an orphan. Alexander Graham Bell was listed on the 100 Greatest Americans, the 100 Greatest Britons and the 100 Greatest Canadians.

- That no one seems to notice that the letter "W" is not actually double-u, but in fact double-v.

- TV promotions claiming a show is a "runaway hit" after it's aired once.

- NFL "throwback" uniforms, pre-1960. These uniforms were changed for a reason, and anyone who may have liked them years ago is now dead.

- Unclaimed farts.

- Staggering perfume. The kind that stays in an elevator an hour after the carrier has left. Remember, stinking pretty is still stinking.

- Unseasonal weather. We've established a climate here, so let's stick with it.

- Potato chip bag portions. Why does the bag have to be twice as big as the contents? It's all just so very disappointing.

- Comb-overs. Need I elaborate?

- Slow drivers in the left lane. Yes, I'm going too fast. That's my prerogative. Get out of my way.

- Hair highlights on men. Or maybe I'm just very, very, extremely old.

- People who try to get on an elevator/bus/train before exiting people can get off it. It's just bad logistically, psychologically, morally ... every way you can imagine.

- Magic on television. They can do anything on television with special effects, can't they? It's like ventriloquism on radio.

- People who insist on speaking nothing but pig-latin. Wait ... scratch that ... that's just this one guy I know. But it IS very annoying.

- Socks that creep down into your shoe as the day wears on. I know, I can easily pull them up, but still ...

When people say "That's the least I could do," shouldn't we really be a little angry that they didn't do more?

Here is just a sampling of the names that are also verbs: Bill, Bob, Sue, Skip, Nick, Jack, Hope, Chuck, Lance, Pat, Rose, Grant, Jimmy, Josh, Rob and Wade.

Is it the "crack" of dawn that makes noon "high"?

Except when we're on a plane, aren't all of us "under the weather" all the time?

Last is almost always least, or no one would ever have to say "last but not least."

"Let's agree to disagree" actually means one of these:
- Your argument is too stupid to waste my time.
- You may be right but I won't give you the satisfaction.
- There's still a chance we may have sex.

Most of us know what "getting on your soap box" means. By why a soap box?

In Merriam-Webster's online dictionary, there are four definitions of the word "cleavage," before the one you probably know.

Does anyone get the idea behind "the exception that proves the rule"?

I understand the "night" part of nightmare, but what's the "mare" part all about?

Have you ever met a 70-year-old boyfriend? When will we come up with a word that's a bridge between "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" and fiance, husband or wife?

"Price" and "worth" mean approximately the same thing, so why are "priceless" and "worthless" opposites?

Which requires the least effort, something that's "as easy as pie," or something that's "a piece of cake"?

When someone says "with all due respect" to you, you're about to be disrespected.

Remember ... when speaking to a woman about years, subtract; when speaking to a man about inches, add.

I wonder why people never name a child "Doctor."

Certain phrases always end badly. No one ever says "We need to talk ... you're great" or "Can I speak frankly? You've hit the lottery."

Why do we "pull" a gun, but "put" a shot?

The phrase that divulges the least amount of information possible: "A number of times," as in, "Yes, I've performed this operation successfully a number of times."

Adding "more or less" after a statement is really just another way of saying "but I don't really know what I'm talking about."

People who would never use the word "indifferent" use the phrase "good, bad or indifferent" all the time.

Most people don't know what to say to comfort someone in a time of sadness, so they say the nonsense phrase, "There, there," which seems to work just fine.

Why don't we say "yesternight"?

- Did you know that most people aren't adequately insured?

- NOW do you believe I'm circumcised?

- Blank you, blank your dog and blank your whole family. (But only if you actually say "blank.")

- You wouldn't happen to have two functioning kidneys, would you?

- Do you prefer "husky" or "portly"?

- I'll tell you, it feels like I'm walking through puffy, fluffy clouds since I started boiling my underwear.

- Quick, cup your hands and give me a boost up.

- Ahhhhh, cleavage.

- Oops. That was me. I admit it ... beans and cauliflower.

- Wow ... know who you look like?

- Would you call this "oozing" or just regular dripping?

- Know where I can get any illegal substances around here?

- Don't you agree it's important to tell people exactly what you think?

- I'll bet you can't guess the six practical uses I've found for my ear wax.

- ... and it wasn't even my gerbil.

- Excuse me, but do you know anything about using a bidet?

- Dud-a, dud-a, dud-a, dud-a, Batman! C'mon and sing with me!

- Are these blood stains?

- You look so familiar. Ever been to prison?

- Are you in a punk band?

- So, are you folks pretty regular, bowel-wise?

- Tell me, [Your Name Here], are you the kind of person who's impressed by what a guy does for a living?

- Does my hand smell funny to you?

- My therapist says I need to be friendlier. So, who the hell are you, anyway?

- Don't you think we Americans bathe too frequently?

- Isn't "sphincter" a funny word?

- How do I even know that gun's loaded?

- It's true I make an enormous amount of money, but it's my friendships that make me rich.

- I'll bet you used to be a knockout.

- I find fat people very sexy.

- You gotta give it to those Nazis when it comes to spiffy uniforms.

- Wow, there sure are a lot of minority ethnic groups represented here tonight.

- May I speak frankly to you about the quirks of my digestive system?

- My friend and I have a little wager ... what race are you?

- Can I buy you a drink and share my views on abortion?

- What stinks!?

- A pleasure to meet you, sir ... ummm ... ma'am.

- The uniform? Yes, it's my own design. I'm a soldier for Jesus.

- Can I borrow the chair you're sitting in?

- Did you ever pull a wild hair out of your nose? Man, that smarts.

- We have every intention of calling when we say that we will. Then stuff happens.

- Shaving cream is nothing more than a placeholder on one's face to keep track of what's been shaved so far.

- A woman's brightly colored toenails could not be less important in attracting us. Except for those foot guys you hear about every now and then.

- If we love you, you never look fat to us.

- There is no cuisine on Earth, no matter how expensive, that beats beer and barbecue.

- We would look you in the eyes more if you didn't show so much cleavage. But don't stop.

- Looking at women we could never get does not diminish our love for you, the ones who settled for us.

- We really are in awe at the birth of our children, even though we all realize that reminding you to breathe is a made-up job to get us into the room.

- We enjoy many of the "chick flicks" we're dragged to see.

- We feel like we're losing testosterone every time we say words like dainty, sachet, potpourri (almost anything French), precious (except in reference to metal), tampon and nymph (although nympho seems perfectly fine).