MY LIFE BEFORE AND AFTER
There was a time when I was looking for love. There was a time when I was looking for friends. There was a time when I was looking for peace, but I found none.
There was a time when I was looking for someone to justify me, to understand my pain and to answer my qestions and they were so many.
Everyone failed me and I was hurting so much. I even attempted many suicide attempts, but by some most powerful miracles I did not die.
I did not know if there was anyone in this world who would truly be my friend and listen to my deepest secrets, someone who would be with me no matter how I looked like, no matter how I spoke, no matter what I did and no matter how much wrong I was doing to others and to myself. I wondered if some one would love to be with me regardless of who I had become, and still to love me and understand me, still not to judge me and not to condemn me the way everyone else was condemning me including myself.
I did try every thing possible to please people and to make them love me, but I never opened up to them to show them the real me. I was hiding behind a wall of pain, shame and condemnation. I was hiding behind a wall of unspoken words and bitternes, a wall of hatered and unforgivenes. I was a victim of many beatings, molestations, rapes and humiliation that lead me to commit countless mistakes. I was wounded and no one was able to understan my pain nor to relate to it.
And if they pretended to understand me and be my friends it was because they needed something that I had to offer, and the moment they satisfied their need they left living even deeper wounds in my cremated out of pain and empty I love you heart. There came a time when I lost hope that anyone would ever love me withthe love I had inmy heart, because my love was differente than anyone else I ever knew. I had so much love even for my enemies and the ones who used too heart me most. I did not undestand this kind of lolove. Many would tell me: "You lov eme too much!" How in the world anyone can love to much. People usualy say; "You don't love me enough."
Strenge! The love I had was causing me so much pain because no one wanted to embrace the love I had to offer. So I didn't understand much about life and love at the time. I wanted to do good but people prefered evil insted of good, because they can't return good for good because they are afraid that someone may take advantage of them or take them as fools.
Well so much about being good towards men. Than i loved to give, but giving did not prosper eather because all I had to give was gone and when I gave myself that was not enough eather because men do not want to be yoked, they do not want to have responsibilitys, they want to be free. So I decided to be like them and and I became a reflection of them, so they may like what they see and that was the reflection of themselves, but then got even worst because they hated who they were and simply didn't want to see themselves in me. So what else did I have left. I did try all I thought!
Time passed by and the only comfort I found was in my creations., my paintings, my poetry, the screenplays ands the storys I was writing. Something in me wanted to fight and not to give up. All I wanted was to know who I was. But now I didn't like who I had become pleasing people, broke of emotions. So who was I, and who I had becomedidn't do much for me. Because I was bancrupt. I was empty. Everyone of my life came and took what they needed from me and left, living pain tearing my soul, pain so excruciating that I chose to ignore I found to realize that I knew how to love and please others but I did not know how to love myself.Why was I goig to people and hoping that they had the love I needed I don't know. How can someone who never knew love, love me back? How can someone who has no peace comfort me. How can someoneheal me when he is hurting himself. I needed someone to come and take me to a dietant placeand hold me untill the pain was gone. I was deeply woundeed and there was no one to heal my woonds. Then I was on a fire explossion and my face burned. I lost all I had. I thought that was the end of my life. Then I remembered when people used to say to me: "You are so beautiful" But I took it for granteed. Now my beauty was gone too. Cremated heart, burned face, my being emty from the foreign invations. My life had become dispeakable.
I thought that was the end. then a suuden miracle took place. The doctors had told me that I was going to have scars on my face but only a mont later my face was restored to it's perfection. "You are a miracle!" , told me the confused doctor in full disbelieve.
Miracle I was!
At that time I did not know much about miracles and how they took place. At the time I didn't know much about anything. Why were we born, why were we going through so much pain in life, what was life all about and what happeds when people die. I hva had heard about God and I always professed to be a Christian, not having the slightest idea what was the true meaning of a Christian. Whwn I was a litttle girl many interesting ivents took place and later on in life I knew that what had happened was not just a fiction of my imagination but it was the truth. One day after so many dbad things had taken place I lost everything material that I ever owned. The only person that left with me was my mother, everyone else was gone. And all of a sudden I became very encouraged. To be truthful I didn't uinderstand at the time waht was taking place and why I was talking everyone that I was going places. What places and how?
Who was going to do anything for me now when I was down and out. I had no idea.
One day I was not feeling too good emotionaly because I did something that really hurt me. All my life I was praying to God, but I did not know much about Him. I had many different gods: my acting careear from early age, my art, people, fame, money, glamor, pain, drugs, sex. Most of the time I was praying to God for this things but was I praying in vain? Did I know God? And when I was praying why didn't He help me? Why didn't I die when I attempted countless suicides? I told you I had so many quetions and I had no answer. Untill the day when my adopted sister after I failed to be good to myself again, told me to go with her to church.
I thought that she did not understand the turmoil I was going though. I haven't been to church before but only in a few occassions. I told her that I won't go because I felt bad about what I did the night befoer. She was a witness of what I did because she took a part in the act. Insted she told me: "Whatever you are feeling right now is not of God." I insisted that I felt bad but she said: "Satan is condemning you and accusing you for what you did. God wants to forgive you and to set you free. Let' s go to church."
So I greed not knowing that on that day my lief was going to change in a way that only Gos can describe it.
We went to church. I do not remember the message in details but I remember that I was not being able to stip crying. I cryd for at least two hours non stop.
(to be continued)
