Perhaps you'd notice my 9 July 2007 post here...

True that Naomi-chan is doing her best to cheer up should I feel down, but that's not all that... Today, I'm waiting for her to be online and seems like forever I'm waiting. And besides waiting, perhaps I'll wait about what happened today...

What happened today was...

...

...

NOTHING SPECIAL for today!!! Perhaps it's all a little like, I attend school, have classes, library was closed today, didn't had recess and as usual... I didn't have the mood to talk with anybody in school. It's already for 5 months and I hardly go into long conversations. Perhaps it's true that I'm a quiet person (Besides the "humorous" part I have to my fellow Filipino friends).

Yek Liang didn't feel so good today; as if he was feeling uneasy... Poor Yek Liang, but I can't understand why did he still attend school with his severe condition. Kay, back to me now. The whole day I was quiet... And I rarely spoke a word. It was then Mr. Gui (Our Science-Physics teacher) took the last 2 periods and he was joking around while teaching. Hilarious, you know! XD

Kung tatanungin mo ako anong nangyari sa Chinese period kaninang umaga eh... Wala lang! Pumunta kami doon sa AVA room este sa classroom namin dahil may presentation (Parang!) doon. Katabi ko si William, at habang nakaupo palagi ko siya tinitignan (Obvious naman yung sagot, eh!). The whole day as usual hindi niya ako pinansin. Hmm... Naomi-chan's right; Just like her, I have to move on...

Finally had time to chat with Naomi-chan again! I went online for the first time in 6 months and there she was, online too! XD Now nice; we chat with each other again, about my homework, blah-blah-ed about some songs and so on... Just hope I'll chat with her again...


Anyway, for also the first time in 2 months I feel happy in class. My 16th ex-love was there too, and as usual, ignoring me. But never mind that! Naomi-chan advised me to think positively even for the slightest bit and I did made it for her! As my best closest friend, I'm also trying my best to cheer up so Naomi-chan's effort will never be wasted. Will she ever understand that I really need her as my company? Just hope we'll meet with each other once my music band steps forward to stardom.


Class was great, despite that I kept quiet the whole day. There were no disputes, no arguments, nothing bad happened. It was all calm (And noisy!!!). Yet, it's still worth it. Me as a 72% depressed person must also enjoy life. All thanks to Naomi-chan!!! She lifted me up, although she admitted she's just a simple girl XDDD ~!!!

Today's the 2nd month-anniversary of my break-up with her...


Weird that I can still remember the whole thing. And yet, me myself ended up not doing my homework just yet!!! >_>


Anyway, I'm here sitting in front of my PC for 6 hours thinking about my next post. And this next post is this one (8 July 2007). I could be difficult to forget her but at least I'm feeling a little better, not the I'm-still-heartbroken-coz-we-broke-up kind of feeling. All because of Naomi-chan's help, I did cheer up (どうもありがとうございました!)


Oh well, tomorrow's back-to-school day and I'll be expecting her to ignore me again, not because I wanted her to. Maybe there's more things to be done besides her; And that problem I have with her... Just leave it unsolved anyway. Perhaps I'll be okay without it...


PS.: Since I just started with my blogspot here the primary site that I use for blogging is imeem. Now, I got 2 bloggings to handle... Anyway, my imeem account is twilight2006.

Then again, these first 2 days of July has been enjoyable coz my fellow bandmates had been rehearsing to master the 3 songs me myself composed. Oh well, but as 3 July entered, misery suddenly entered my mood again...


Why do I still get the feeling that I love my 16th ex-lover? It all brings memories, and I'm the only person in this world trying to keep the precious memories with her alive, and not forgetting it. If I were to conclude that day, 8 May 2007, adding it with the other 15 girls I encountered into falling in love with, they always break up with me. Conclusion? I'm a heartbreaker alright. I can't keep on pretending anymore, it's time to confess the whole thing. I'M A HEARTBREAKER!!! So if that's the case then maybe I also don't have the right to fall in love. And if ever some girl fell in love with me, then she'll end up being heartbroken anyway a few months later. That's all what's happening to me, and you can't change the facts. No one can help a heartbreaker improve when it comes to love, coz people say love comes from the heart, not words alone. Not for me, I don't know how to solve this...


Everytime I looked at the pictures me and my 16th ex-lover had in the Marine Parade library on March 07, it always bring back memories. I really miss the memories... Most of all, I miss her dearly... But like she said, it's all in the past. And you can never turn back time; It's impossible. Me myself wanted to transfer school again next year coz I can't take the pain whenever I look at my 16th ex-love; Her face just brings back memories too. I just hope I did transfer, so this emotional wound of mine will heal...


Right now, I keep thinking how to bring her back... But I always ask myself, "It's impossible! Like how? Wake up, fool!!! And face the facts: The girl of your dreams is the girl you cannot have." Funny, right? Like some Korean drama series... But like what now? Because of the I'm-a-heartbreaker conclusion I thought that falling in love now is nearly impossible, and not to mention I've already looked at love differently. I used to think that love is something that feels heavenly and nice, but now what are my thoughts about love? It's nice to hear someone loving you, but it hurts like HELL if the girl of your dreams broke up with you, like she's the only girl you've found in your life.


Face facts: Love feels HEAVENLY but it also hurts like HELL, like love is both your best friend and your worst enemy. I already miss my 16th ex-love; Feels like I want to go back into her arms (With her angelic face I used to see every night...) coz, she's my "savior" when it comes to boy-girl relationships... I just can't let go of her!!! T_T

My last post for June 2007...


This day is really getting into the limits!!! I've never been happier; This is the first time I've been happy for 2 months XD ~!!!


Set the I've-broken-up-with-her part... Anyway, the whole day I've been doing some music band rehearsals with my fellow band mates, Marlo and Marnell. Whole day, you see; You should've seen us! Well, most of the time arguing and joking. But it's worth it... Since both of them are going back this Monday guess we only had little time to rehearse. Well, another good news was that there's a new band member in the band: Ron David Romero! Hehe, Jarllanz is out; a former member of the band... Kay, here's the details...:


Ralph Bonifacio (Me!) - Lead Vocalist, Rhythm guitar
Marlo Borrero - Lead Guitar
Marnell Borrero - 2nd vocalist, Percussion
Ron David Romero: Pianist (Bassist)
Jarllanz Rivera (Former member Dec 2006 - Jun 2007)


Oh well, the band name is... err... ... ... There's no confirmed name yet XD ... We're still in the midst of thinking about it. Anyway, 2 songs we have rehearsed: Rhapsody of fate and Taken Away. Taken Away is actually the 2nd song namely Verisimilitude, and we changed its name coz of the meaning. Imagine rehearsing only 2 songs in 7 hours!!! Sigh... I actually targeting 4 songs to master during that duration but if we were to include the joking and arguing, then we ended up rehearsing only 2. Never mind, there's tomorrow and the only last day to rehearse for this month.


Oh well, now back to the I've-broken-up-with-her part... Funny that despite that I was rehearsing with my fellow band mates and enjoying myself, I still ended up in the losing end... One hour before we left Ron David's house, I ended up thinking about her again... Sigh, I always ended up here. I guess the emotional wound hasn't heal yet, but funny is that she's the only cure for my wounds. I kept thinking that if I don't fix everything between me and her I'm sure to "fall into pieces". I'm getting crazier day by day, coz without her my feelings towards her just gets stronger and stronger till it really hurts. And till now it really hurts...


If Tuesday comes, I just hope we'll get along even better. I know it's going to be hard but it's the only way for me to relax my mind at least. The only thing is that she's a girl who thinks twice and surely it'll take me a long time to make it happen... How I wish she could come back... It's really hurts coz I still love her... Why won't she believe to everything I say?

Why can't see understand that I truly love her? I didn't mean to break her heart, but all this time I've been getting more hurt everytime I think of her. Then again, I ended up making another song for her...


- My million prayers (Angel)


I know that this will never be enough
'Coz all this time I've still hurt you deep inside
I know that you'll turn away from me
If only you could see me down on my knees

I feel so weak, I feel so hopeless without you
These memories I keep remembering
Do my million apologies mean nothing to you?
Will you still ever forgive me?

But I'll watch over you
Now I'll watch over you

Do you remember how you made me happy?
Do you still remember all the good times we had?
Do my thousand mistakes mean only guilt for me?
I still see you smile,
But deep inside I can still feel your sadness

I know this is my fault, I know this is my fault
And I know it's too late for you to come back to me
If only you could see me regretting in shame
How I wish that moment never happened anyway

But I'll watch over you
Now I'll watch over you

I know I've done wrong, I know I've done wrong
I know I've done wrong, I know I've done wrong

Please forgive me, please forgive me
Please forgive me, please forgive me
Oh angel...


If say I could say that I do love her... But now there's no other chances left... I feel so sorry... why do I still have to make that moment happen? I'll always regret that moment; I didn't mean to make her heart-broken. It's just that the poem isn't all about her. I just got the feeling to make another poem about it coz I had nothing to do on that time. Why won't she listen to me anymore? It's getting harder and harder to say "I love you still" to her... Now, she's acting like she never knew me...


This pain is getting over the limits... I can't take it anymore!!! I still love her and that's all... She's my only cure... Now I don't know what's gonna happen next...

Still no clue...


She didn't noticed me at 9.30AM. I was there listening to her presentation all that time; I was there, you should've seen my eyes being stuck to her presentation and her at all times! Yet, she didn't noticed... "Unappreciated again."


Literature. Unexpected thing happened between me and her our Literature somehow purposely held her hand to my hand... I blushed too much that I turned my face from her. But really I cannot tell coz that would make her angry again... "Boohoo."


Then after CO, it was very unexpecting to see her waiting for her friends while I pass by her. I tried to wave a hello, but I stopped myself. That's more, she didn't looked at me, she turned her back at me... "Unappreciated again."


I was in the midst of recovering between 3PM and 6PM when I saw her turning her back to me. That really upset me greatly... She really is treating me differently!!! As if I'm an illusion or "invisible" to her...


Well, but I really thank Naomi-chan (My only close and #1 friend to date) for cheering me up. どうもありがとう、ナオミちゃん!!! Well, I'm happy... for now. Coz I'm expecting my emotional pain to grow again this weekend... -_-

After my first post, I don't want to talk anymore.
I'll be recalling all these mistakes till night.
If I can't be the perfect heart for her and the perfect companion for the people,
Then I'll decide when to end all these horror.


Coz I've torn apart friendships and love,
Will I still be the Ralph Bonifacio people knew 4 years ago?
I think not as long as love keeps fooling me...
I'll go lie down in silence,

4th day of Term 3 and I still feel miserable of what I did to my 16th ex-love. It's for days already and yet we didn't had eye contact with each other. Does she hate me already? How I just wish we could be good friends at least...


But my wish didn't come true. Feels like she hated and hating me. I feel so weary, but at the same time I feel very sorry for her coz on the looks of her face I can feel she's still disappointed. How many times shall I have to shout it out that I'm sorry...? If only she hears me once again,"I'm totally sorry for what I've done. I know I can never be enough for you, but would you ever reconsider about having another friend who's always here willing to achieve your freedom in life? Without you, I'm in total loneliness. Feels like I'm hated if you're not around..." Sigh, if only... But what's the use; Even if she were to listen to those pleading words I think she may never believe it in some way coz she's a very smart girl who thinks twice.


That's when I also admired her. She really is a smart girl; She got several As in every subject and I really adore intelligent people. That's when I fell in love with her on 22 February 2007. But because of me who broke her heart, I'm now is suffering in silence without her and without me telling her the whole explanation. I keep on accusing myself being the only one to blame for all this moments. Excluding our romantic times together a few months ago, I was the one who did most of the mistakes... Why can't I be perfect like her and some people? I'm doubt she'll hear my thousand sorrys and regrets to her for breaking her heart... Why did love play tricks with me again!?!?!?


I was a fool to post that idiotic poem "Leave me jealous". I tried to explain to her that it's not dedicated to her, yet she believed that I'm accusing her of some sort. I'm not accusing her that she left me. Right now, I'm recalling all these mistakes I've done... Even if I'm posting all my feelings to all my imeem blog posts the painful feeling keeps coming back. It's my fault that she left from me.


Another latest mistake I've done was I "mentioned her as empty in love and emotions"; That was totally wrong... I was mentioning to the anime character that I've typed down in my friendster profile. Consequence: She believed that I'm accusing her again. "No!!! I'm not accusing you... You're pure, you're clean. You're an angel. You're innocent. I'm the mistaken one. Why did I do such a thing? What have I done!?"


So many mistakes... Too strong that it broke her delicate heart... "I'm truly sorry... I can't think right... I didn't think twice... All I did was blow my pain in all directions; I didn't mean to hurt you... It's just that I still love you... Doubting that I'll forget you..."


Here I am shouting out my shame and humiliation again. I feel so guilty... How I so wish that we're still together till today. Now, I don't know what to do. She was my only closest friend in the whole class and whom I fell in love with. Now, I've damaged the 2 things we faltered: Friendship and Love... But still, even though she still says she no longer loves me, to me forever I'll love her. I love her at all costs, I love her more than myself. If she could understand, then forever no matter what happens I'll always love her.


Am I really that cold-hearted? Tell me I didn't even realized it...

Sigh... once again I argued with my sister. And worse, Mom was really angry. She told us not to talk with each other again... As if we're already enemies...


First, my friends. Second, the whole class. Now, this? How could this happen to me? Am I really hated by people?


Feels like the world is against me. Why can't I ever fix all this problems? Commonly with my ex-love and my sister; They're the very worst victims. I broke my ex-love's heart so many times at I'm starting to notice she's not having eye contact with me anymore, as if we didn't even met (But I don't accuse her for this...). That hurts me a lot, coz it felt like she doesn't wish to forgive me. But she's still an angel to me... I'm such a fool to make her leave me...


My sister... We argued one hour ago. Now, we can't even speak again. I think it's my fault coz I blew my words to her, despite that she started it. This has been happening for sooo long and I'm enduring it for a decade.


I wonder what's the world like if I weren't even born? Will my parents and my sister be happier? Will my classmates be more free? Will my past people have more opportunities to be free from problems? All these setbacks I've done maybe because of my existance. How could this happen to me? These are possible answers, but why do I always see that despite people trying to cheer me up, I always end up in the losing end? I'm getting one step closer to "this" in this day...


Perhaps it's true... What if the world really is against me? If that were not even to happen today, I'm really in the dead point of hopelessness and sadness. Why can't people see me through? Why can't people understand me? How could all these happen to me?


Why can't I even get one chance of pure happiness in my life? I'm in a grief... I can't believe it!!! All right then, I'll list down all my mistakes I still remember since 1996; This, to be honest...:


- Argued with my sister and with my mother for so long.
- I took and treated my friends for granted.
- I skipped the Iglesia Ni Cristo worship services a few times.
- I'm a disappointment coz I failed many times in my overalls during the past years.
- Despite some people cheering me up, I still fail standing on my feet.
- I took love for granted; Broke one girl's heart several times.
- Always acting "emo".
- Rude to elderlys many times.


With all these heavy mistakes, I know there are consequences. That's why, because of me I ended up being hated again. I feel so sorry, everyone... All I do is cause harm... And if there are things for me, I took it for granted. That's why I've confessed everything here. I feel so guilty over this; I'm the one responsible for all your problems. I've soiled every clean part of your lives... How could I be so selfish? So cold-hearted? So cruel? I'm truly sorry... With this uncountable mistakes of mine, how I wish I was just as perfect as all of you...


All I see myself is a black, impure stain. I'll never again forgive myself for all this... I've been committing mistakes everyday... So many that it's uncountable... I'm such a fool to act this way. "Great angel, please save me... Help me..."