Well, I don't really need to explain much.
I wrote a letter to myself (lol) to remind me of what I feel and why.
And again, if you know my situation, you would get it.
So here's how I feel about you know what/who.
I'll still use fake names if I need them in here (just saying).


Sometimes when I hug her, I feel like holding her forever and never letting go. When she talks to Bryan or someone else I want to just take her away. When she stares at Bryan I want to tell her to just look away. I just want to tell her how I feel but I don't want to ruin if for my other friends. I hate how I know that time's running out, and things are changing so fast. Every time we say good bye, I hate to think it's the last. Most times I feel like crying when I think about high school and if I'll be friends still with the friends I have now. It kills me when I know there's a bigger chance of her going away from me and avoiding me than her accepting me. I just die when she cries for Bryan and gets jealous and pissed off some other girl, but doesn't care about our friendship just a little. Even if she did, it NEVER shows. I hate how fast time's wasting and how close our last good bye is. I try not to think about what it would be like without my friends who've been there every step of the way, even including Hana. That chubby little girl who always had her hair up, didn't care about who she hung out with, didn't care about getting dirty, didn't care about wearing make up and all that stuff, and didn't care about her name, whether she was referred to as the: Asian chick or to her real shorter name: Han, that's the girl everyone know grew to love BEFORE, but now, everyone just forgot about how that girl even turned out from. But at least I know one friend of mine wants her back. That's the girl I grew to love too, as a best friend who was just like us. The girl who didn't care about her life, just as long as she had friends. We always stuck together, no matter what we did, what happened, or no matter how stupid and retarded we were. But she's changed so much now. If I could show you a pic of our older times, I would. I don't know if this is what it's like being a parent. Knowing that time's going by so fast, everyone and everything is changing, and yet, you're still behind on what's going on, and why. Being so clueless as to why your daughter doesn't want to have pink dresses and want a unicorn for Christmas anymore or why your son doesn't like being bossed around and wants a lock on his room. It's just like that with Hana now. Why doesn't she like it when we call her by her real name anymore? What's so wrong about Han? Why does she like to wear make-up now? Why is she such a big flirt now, when before, no one really knew who she was, or even tried to care and understand her? Why does she choose her reputation over us? And even more, WHY DOES SHE LEAVE HER REAL FRIENDS HANGING AND DITCHES US? I don't know how to tell her, and I still don't know yet if I'm even GOING to tell her. But I know I have to do it soon and just live with what I've got now because after I tell her, I know things are NEVER going to be the same again...

If you know my situation, you would most likely know who this is dedicated to...
For the safety of my identity on the internet I prefer not to say, lol sorry!


Every day takes another breath
It takes so much effort to get out of my bed
I know that there's nothing else to live for
What's the point if my love, I can't get is a stupid little whore?

Every day I wake up to
knowing that I can never have you
Every day I wake up crying
because when I see you I feel like dying

Every day I see you with another
you just always say "he's like my brother"
Every day I'm always sad
It's because of you, it's just like that

Everyday I wake up knowing
That you treat me differently, and just me only
I guess I'm just too bad for you
Because I'm in love and I don't know what to do

I won't make you do the first move, because it's weird like that
But if I don't do anything I know I'll always be mad
How am I supposed to think I can be more?
If I thought in the end you would still be my friend

I just guess some things just have to change
But do you really have to push me out of your life?
Do you always have to ignore me?
Are you too blind in your games that you can't see?

You reject me as a friend
You prefer to hang out with the men
You're so blind, you can never even see
That just your "best friend", you're not only hurting


>>>>> Last stanza meaning: (Since I loved her so much as a friend, I wanted to be there for her until the end, but since she rejected me being a friend and if I "love" her so much, that I want to be with her no matter what, even if it means reaching for the impossible...

Ok, well I just told my friends I was bi the other day.
It didn't go too bad, it's all normal now, in a way.
I can make fun of it but I told them I have this weird staring thing with other girls
and I told them WHO I have that weird staring thing with.
Like when I look at someone, I feel like I'm a guy, then when I turn away, they're ugly to me again.
But here's the really story.

I told my friend Margaret about me first, then Hana, then my other groupies.
Margaret, Hana, and Stephanie are the ones who know about me.
Margaret and Hana are my best friends, that's why I only told them.

But thing is, I think I'm in love with Hana... 0_o
Like now, I don't know if I love her as a best friend or not or if I want more.
But seriously, it hurts me and all of us when she just leaves us hanging and ditches us.
And it hurts me considering I'm the one in the most awkward position!
It somehow hurts me when she cries for the guy she likes, who is Bryan.
Sometimes I just feel jealous in a way.
Maybe it's that I wish I was her, or some other guy.

I have this funny feeling she knows something about her.
Because when I told her this is near to what she said:
"Maybe you're jealous of them. Maybe you're jealous of their appearance or something."

Notice how she just said they?
I don't think she wants to make it obvious she feels something.
I have this weird staring thing with different people.
But when 1 was when I was younger and just somehow really liked her.
I'm pretty sure I was just jealous of her though.
So I had awkward staring times with a girl name: Therese, Isabella, Stephany (not my friend), and Hana.
It's so weird for me, when everyone's looking at a picture of someone, I feel so weird
knowing that most of my friends know about me.

Well here's my definition on love:

Love is being more than willing to die for the person you love. To die just to save them. To die trying. To die trying to only be with them and just have a chance to talk to them. Love is being more than willing to jump off a cliff, hanging off a rope around your neck, bungee jumping from your head, being beaten to death, dying a slow and painful death, been shot, and die in whatever way possible, just for the person you love. If you don't want to die for the person you THINK you love, you don't love them at all...

The truth, I honestly could really do that for Hana.
But not for Therese, Isabella, or Stephany.
Like I'm pretty sure Hana's theory has some sense.
I think I am a bit jealous of most of them, I just can't find it in me whether it's true or not.
It's really deep down.
But I can really die for Hana, if I had the chance to die for her now, I would, honestly!
And this is what I'm wondering.
If I would die for her as a best friend or more.
But it hurts me when she cries over some guy I know isn't worth it.

He had about 4 girlfriends, honestly coming one after the other.
And considering I have a "special brain" I have that other gender brain side of me that's telling me he's the gayest fag on Earth, and how no girl should be treated like that.
And it hurts me when Hana ditches all of me and my other friends for other people.
It hurts to feel that your best friend is using you.
And when you feel like there's something more to it, you're hurt even more.
But I'm not really sure whether it's just that I have that "special other brain" that I'm feeling this
or I feel so desperate to be with her that if I can't be her friend I want to be someone who's just always there, but not really close.

We have some kind of religion class called: "Fully Alive"
It says that it doesn't mean you're bi if you have strong feelings for someone the same gender.
It's just part of puberty.
And my friend Margaret is saying that I'm just experimenting and this is just a phase.
And that I'm just experimenting with my feelings, and how emotional I can get.

And should I tell her what I feel?
I know for a fact it will ruin our friendship, and I don't want to ruin it for me or my other friends.
But my time is running out, I just have one more year to make a move before we go into separate high schools.
I know it will ruin our friendship, but is it really worth it that because there hardly is any friendship anymore.
And I feel it's not worth it telling either because it will ruin the friendship that we hardly have now that's almost completely useless,
AND that it wouldn't make a difference anyway.

I'm really confused now, am I in love with my own best friend?
What's your opinion?

So if you have any advice or anything, just let me know, and comment!!
I'm really curious to know!!!

Dedicated: To A Special Someone. ; )
I love you, Mahal Kita, Te Amo, Ich Liebe Dich.......
I'd die just to save you.
I wish I could tell you how much I love you, but I know it'll be just a joke.
And I know I'll get nothing from it,
yet, I still love you...

I'll go in front of a bullet just to save you
I'll jump off a cliff to show how much I love you
I'll go through pain to slow down time,
Not now, not yet, I don't want you to die

You are so precious to me
and you could be too, for others
You are one in a million,
there will be not another

Many can and WILL love you
but for me, there's no one and I have nothing else to do
So that's what my plan will be,
I'll kneel down and die for you

I don't care if there's a gun pointed to my head
A million times before, that is what I've said
If I'm still alive and my time reaches zero
At least I would die knowing I was your hero

I don't care if I hang from a rope
securely tied to my head
Just as long as you'll stand with me,
all the blood and wounds can mend

I'll be happy to walk off a building
and say I did it for you
Knowing that I jumped when you were there
and you thought about doing it for me too

I wouldn't care less if I was beaten to death
In heaven, I'll still be waiting for you
There, I'll have another chance to be with you
I know for a fact that it's true

Cut my body in half,
but be warned, it might hurt you too
You are my mind and soul,
Didn't I already say that I'm in love with you?

Carve a hole into my chest
and with your hands, rip out my heart
You can never stop it beating,
You might've taken my life, but you can never take my feeling

I'd be more than willing to die
To know the moment I left was when I was with you
If you were my love, I'd die for you, that is what exactly I would do
but too bad that's not the case
Too bad it isn't true...

I feel alone in this darkness,
I feel even worse in my sadness
I feel so empty and wasted
and yet, I feel so shameless

Do people naturally hate me
and see something terrible in which I am incapable to see?
What's so bad about me?
Is it like they're my only God?! Seriously!

Am I too unworthy for your sight?
That when you see me you ran away in fright?
Or is it that you see darkness in me?
That you don't care and just let me be?

My shadow's are all I've got
my dreams, to fight for, not yet I have fought
My pain is what pushes me ahead,
I cry, I am lonely, my tears put me to bed.

I have no mother to tell me happy stories.
My brother is the one who tells me fairy tales don't have happy endings.
My father just takes another shot,
drinking, again... and again... and again

I thought I had my friends
but now they're like my enemies,
I have no one to call my love,
no one to set me free.

I am just adopted, unworthy for artificial love
I was just abandoned, unworthy for the "mighty" up above.
I am unworthy to have a life
my only friend is a stupid pocket knife

I drain my pain in the sight of my blood
then realize I'm killing myself
In many years, this is my only fun,
no one will come, "I don't need their help"

When will someone realize my worth?
Is my self-esteem for you just too short?
Why do I feel like I'm the only one in this world
If people are walking right past me?

Hello, it's me again!
So I know a lot of my blogs have to do with my personal life and most of the things I write are about racism, but here is a guy who is REALLY over the top.
We'll just call him Aron, Aron Mc.
He's a really retarded guy, nearly literally.
He was my ex, and I really can't believe I went out with him!
It ruined my life so much, I got my laptop taken away, and nearly my freedom.
He was my "near-to-first" kiss, and I am SO glad that I didn't fall in his pressuring of kissing him on the lips, that would've killed me badly.
I only went out with him out of pity, so I know I'm a bitch, don't tell me.
He's half Aboriginal, and I always make fun of him now.
So don't think I was always like this, I was a really nice, happy, and peaceful person.
But if you start war with me, it's ON!!
I wrote this blog to get any opinions from you guys, because I know some people reply.
So I'm gonna tell you more about him, and if you can, please comment on this, and write your opinion on Aron.
Here's his story.

He is my ex, as you all know.
He is half Aboriginal and is a RACIST.
He's not racist to any black people, or Euros, this so happened to be he was just racist to ASIANS.
He wrote a speech once for school about RACISM, but the funny thing is, he said how hurt he was when people make fun of Indians.
I went out with him, and my parents found out, so I dumped him.
He was devastated, but he's even lucky I went out with him in the first place.
He asked me on the INTERNET!
What kind of guy would do that?!
Anyways, he likes my friend, Hana, and since she keeps making fun of him, thinks he's ugly and likes and actually went out with his best friend, Bryan, he seems really hurt about that. But does he have the right to be a racist if Hana has her own opinion?
He hangs out with us Filipinos (Asians) A LOT.
And when I caps locks on A LOT, I mean EVERYDAY.
We have the Flip Clan in our school.
When we hang out in school, and when we walk home from school, he's with our clan.
Ever since the clan even grew, he was there with us Filipinos.
Since my other friends: Bernadette, Avallone, and Demerie came to this school, and started the Flip Clan, he's been hanging out with them and has been "trying" to fit in with us.
We've taught him the occasional swear words, and we taught him some other Tagalog words.
He likes to play with this little Filipino kid named: Anton, and loves him like a brother.
But it's totally like he doesn't even know he's Filipino, and yet continues to be a stupid racist.
Now he likes my friend Demerie.
He still makes fun of us Asians, and the only come back he can make when we tell him off when he makes fun of us are: YOU EAT RICE, GREAT WALL OF CHINA and a lot more useless come backs.
He uses those all the time, and when I say all the time, I mean ALL THE TIME.
He even adds the occasional slur of random "Chinese speaking" if we're all lucky.
Wung Chong How! Chinese Chicken!! BANGKOK!
UGGHH!! It drives us all insane SO much!!
He doesn't like racism, and it hurts him when people make fun of Indians, but he makes fun of Asians?
That's not just racism, it's actual bullying!
He feels bad for himself and his own ethnicity, so he takes it on other people.
And the most common one to make fun of are ASIANS.
Like Chinese people are famous, cool, we made your clothes bitch.
If it weren't for you, you would hardly have ANYTHING by now!!
He loves to hang out with the Filipinos, but make fun of us, WTF!
A little fact: Our school is populated with a quarter of Asians everywhere, and it just so happened most to all of those Asians are Filipinos.
Including the occasional, new Filipinos who just came here who continue to make the Asian population grow.

So, OPINIONS, OPINIONS!!
Do you think this guy needs attention? Or is just plain stupid?
I would LOVE to get your opinions on Aron and I want to see if it's not just me who thinks he's a total TURD!!
Thanks and please give your opinions or just your comments!!

Dedicated to: My Long Lost Friends, "Hana" A and Stephanie L

I look at our picture in my wallet,
I realize I never really thought of it,
What if we have another fight?
And this time it'll last all our life?

I look at our old, funny pictures
and remember the happier times
but then I look at yours,
your life is better than mine

I try to write a letter to myself
but I think I ran out of ink
that's not all I ran out of,
You're still in my mind & its harder to think

I can't tell you it's harder for me to live
because to you, I would've done another sin
You're too perfect for us
I guess that's why we're left in the dust

I have so many things to ask you
like "why did you have to lie?"
Why can't you talk to us like FRIENDS?
Instead of treating us like you want us to die?

I'm writing a letter of things I always wanted to say
but I don't know who I'm sending it to,
your so busy with the others
and it'll never get to you any way

If you had told us to leave you alone,
that would be fine, we would be more than happier to
but we don't know what to do,
because we don't know what's up with you!

Do you really have to use us?
You can at least say it's a favor
But you say your life is "boring",
you need a bit more flavor

Favors are for what friends do
Using is the term for you
We'd be waiting all our life
because if you tell us to go, it won't be right

Tell us to leave right now
and I don't care if now is not the time
If you don't tell us to stop bugging you
We'll be waiting for all our life

Please just stop using us
It's making us feel like dust
Tell us to screw off you must
because to us that is only just

It feels like I've had enough
of that stupid little thing called love,
I used to think of it as something,
now I don't think of it as much

I guess I'm pessimistic about love they might say,
The glass is not half empty, it is drained
because right now for me, I'll say,
I honestly really don't care

I say I'm alright,
walking around looking all fine
Now it seems a lot easier to lie
that secretly I wish I would die

My life is so damn depressing
the guys I've liked don't seem that impressing,
They all left for me the worst impression
of walking past me without detection

Why has God screwed me over yet again?
All the problems I get, and the worst being MEN
No one can make me feel like someone
It would be crazy to think you can

"I'll always be right here" those words came out of you
But now I say that's a load of bull
and you can go stuff your face in poo

You stupid turd, why did you lie to me?
I guess you're too stupid to even see
I am also a human being
who did nothing for you but believing

What have I even done to you
to make you say that's it?
Do you want me to just go away
and blame you for feeling like shit?

Well too bad, that's exactly what I'm going to do
I can't waste my time for someone who's so damn cruel
I thought you were worth it,
So see my pain? You can come over here and screw it!!

You're a worthless piece of shit, for making me feel like this
For that you deserve something good,
so why not hide and suck on some d*ck?

This poem is dedicated to my "ex-bffs".
If any of you have read my past blogs about my friend "Hana" this is just a poem I made dedicated to her and my other friend, "Stephanie".
A little history: We had a group, which was 5 of us girls before,
and things started to change between us so now it's just me and 2 other girls wondering what's going on
and there's the other 2 girls who just ditched us. Here's our story!



I can't believe we were such best friends
We all promised each other we'll be there till the end
Every moment there was, together we would spend
If any of us were hurt, all of us would mend

But now it's all just changed
We're always left behind, it's only just a few of us,
Cuz we're rejected all the time

One of us wants to die,
one of us wants to cry,
the other is just so confused and doesn't even know why

Before it was just us 5,
now 3 of us are wondering why
And 1 is still wondering what side is hers until the end of time

If I never was your best friend,
I would never feel this way
But now it's all messed up and to you,
I still don't know what to say

Most times I feel so speechless,
She always tells God to screw this,
And the other just cant believe herself,
how could she ever have missed this?

I don't know if you know this
but I'm sure you might have noticed,
that we tried our best to leave you alone
and leave you to your stupid showbiz...